I began my motherhood very young. 16 as a matter of fact. I gave birth to Bella 12 days shy of my 17th birthday. She was my angel baby. She saved me. Simple as that and I don’t feel the need to go into detail.
I was very lucky to be the ‘mum’ type. Personally I never thought about it until a friend I hadn’t seen or spoken to since school called me out of the blue after a couple of years. She’d found out she was pregnant with her first. After a good catch up chat I asked why she’d decided to call me and she said because I had always wanted kids.
I just didn’t remember it that way.
I was a young mum.
I was a good mum.
I was on my own with Bella, and honestly I didn’t find it that hard. Perhaps because I was so young I didn’t have the ‘adult’ worries yet of not having the best of everything, I don’t think I had a car until she was at least 12 months old. I just didn’t care about anything except my baby. It was just Bella and myself versus the world. Catching a bus was an adventure, walking to the beach was fun.
People asking how old I was, was not fun. I was ashamed, looking back I don’t know why, I know mothers in their 30’s who have never been half the mother I have been. I was born to it.
So Bella was my angel baby.
Sophie was my sunshine baby. Bella was 2 and a half years old when I met Sophie’s dad. We began talking about marriage and children after a couple of years. I was more excited by the idea of a new baby. Bella being 5 I was worried about how she would bond, I hoped the gap wasn’t too big. After spending almost a year telling family and friends we would begin trying for a baby, planning and warming up to the idea I was already in love with my baby before she was even conceived. The moment I found out I was pregnant was bitter-sweet. I was over the moon and so happy to be having the baby I now desperately wanted but at the same time, I noticed my partner was not happy at all. I began to realise all his talk was just that talk. He had no real plans to actually have a baby. Probably not even to marry me. But I continued on with the pregnancy with a big smile on my face, my relationship was falling apart but I did not care.
By the time I had Sophie we had decided to go our separate ways, we did however try to keep things together. I was miserable relationship-wise, mothering-wise I was so happy.
Sophie was 6 months old when I was human. I fell pregnant to him again. With Violet my old soul. The thought never occurred to me. It was a one-off and afterwards we’d had the whole d&m conversation about how it wouldn’t change things we were still separating and that this should never happen again. 8 weeks later I just about had a panic attack when I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd baby. I didn’t tell anyone besides my best friend for 5 weeks. When I told my partner he seemed to be relieved. We once again decided to give our relationship a go. And once again it was a big failure. I gave birth to Violet on a Tuesday, I came home on the Wednesday and he moved out on the thursday.
It was the happiest yet most exhausted I had ever been.
Since then his involvement has depressingly dwindled down to a sms once every 6 months.
So that was how I ended up with Bella my angel baby; she saved me. Sophie my sunshine baby; Her smile made me glow from the inside out. And Violet my old soul; looking into her eyes you just know she’s been here before.