Being this Yager Baby

Being this Yager Baby is not so bad.

I wanted to try to tell you about the two people who made this Yager Baby. I am going to try my very hardest to separate the parent from the person, and describe them as the people they are.

This is going to be hard.

M and my little sister

Think I’ll start with M. She’s lots of fun, she’s way more hippy than I have ever been borderline hobo. She has a NEED to be loved and wanted. She’s young of heart and mind and dress sense. She’s a good friend. She’s not maternal at all. I think she is liking the fact that her offspring are becoming adults themselves, she can relate so much better now.  A phone call once a fortnight is all that is needed to keep her happy with me. She always listens but isn’t always on the same page. She likes her ‘drink’ and everyone knows it. I think she knows it too, admits it and carries on with it. She once said ‘I feel 18 again.’ Again? I don’t think she ever stopped feeling like that until she was trapped in a love-less marriage with 3 boring, demanding children.

She works hard, parties hard.

I don’t like much of her actions, I do like her carefree attitude.

For a long time I thought she was irresponsible, immature and had no self-respect. But then no-ones perfect. She’s my M and even though I have never felt like I HAD a mother, I know where I came from, I’m always welcome back and I respect the person she has CHOSEN to be.

She has taught me important things like

‘it doesn’t matter what people think of you.’

‘If its a lie then you shouldn’t be concerned with what people say.’

‘If you haven’t got anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’

And I think most importantly, through her dependency, her distance and lack of ‘street smarts’ I’ve learned to be VERY independent.

Thank you M.

Next onto D. This is MUCH harder.

Basically my only photo of D and notice it is a photo OF a photo.

I can say lifestyle-wise I resemble my mother, not to the point of ghetto which her house is starting to look like but we live with a sense of  ‘freedom’.

Brain capacity, I’m just like him.

I don’t think I like it much.

You know I’m sitting here wondering how to describe a man who I have spent 20 minutes with in the last 4 years. Its difficult. I used to admire him. For his ‘business’ smarts for his independency, for his lack of ‘ties’ that’s a kind of freedom isn’t it? He’s not free at all. Guilt is eating him alive. I’ve grown and learnt that as adults we have choices. We CHOOSE the person we are, no matter our upbringing or environment. We make the decision to be the kind of person we want to be. He still has not decided who he wants to be.

I am hoping one day he decides to be a family man. I hope one day he decides to be a grandfather.

At the moment he is still a ‘career’ man. He’s providing for our future, which is admirable.

He just doesn’t comprehend that we have been living our future comfortably for quite some time without anything he has provided. And he doesn’t comprehend that we would be much happier with a father, a grandfather than a fat bank account.

But I’m a grown up now, and I know that this has now turned into an excuse. He doesn’t know his Yager babies anymore. He can’t stick a lollypop in our mouth and we’ll smile unconditionally.

He’s scared.

And guilty.

Its ok.

I get it.

He’s taught me things too.

‘crying doesn’t make the pain go away.’

‘Your children owe you nothing, you owe your children everything.’ 

‘family is always the most important thing.’

I learnt ‘practice what you preach’ somewhere but now I’m being a brat.

He did also give me an awesome imagination with his made up stories he’d tell.

 

I have such simple memories from being a Yager Baby that had nothing to do with M drinking or D never being there trying to make us money; like making a cake with M one day and once I added the water it turned brilliant purple! I didn’t know it was meant to do that, so when she -jokingly- accused me of putting something in it, I cried and cried thinking I’d ruined it!  A scary story about a one tusked wild pig my D told us while camping one time which I still sometimes get creeped out about.

 Hmm… I just hope that I have made the decision to be the kind of person my Yager babies will like.

Maybe not appreciate, understand, respect but I would settle for like.

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