To blame or not to blame?

After writing the post I wrote earlier. It really got me thinking about myself -I know, I know, it’s always about me!-

I began thinking about some of the events in my life and I think I began to blame my parents. But I think I have put the blame on them so I wouldn’t feel like everything was my fault. It doesn’t change who they are but I guess it changes my view a little.

They kicked me out of home.

I was 14.

Because of them I became anorexic. The government does not support kids under 16. 15 if they have exceptional reasons.

No money,no food.

They do however supply housing. Youth housing. Considering a lot of things are ‘means’ tested these days, they don’t ‘means’ test where these young kids go. I was stuck in a house with a 20 something year old man and an 18-year-old boy.

I roamed the streets at night simply to avoid them trying to get into my room. Or spent the night locked in my room hiding in a closet.

I ended up quitting school, half because I ended up needing those days to sleep while the ‘boys’ were out also because I got tired of walking the almost 2 hour walk to school. I was placed in a house as far as possible from my own school.

This is basically how I thought about it. ‘Because my parents kicked me out’ this chain of events began happening and I blamed it all on them. But I guess they had their reasons for kicking me out in the first place.

I was 14. Which screwed me up enough. However I had those other incidents on top of my normal hormonal 14-year-old self. I hadn’t talked to anyone about it. No one knew. I isolated myself and didn’t want to talk to anyone. I shut everyone out and drowned myself in my art. I think at some point my room must have looked like some insane artists lair. The day my parents tore everything down broke my heart. They didn’t see that this was me speaking ‘out’ regardless of how little I spoke to them. I felt like they’d finally silenced me completely. I acted out I guess. I got drunk at school, started smoking,  ran away from home.

I wagged school, which was the final straw for my father, he decided physical discipline was what I had needed. Coming from someone who’d maybe smacked me twice my entire life. All of a sudden VERY heavy-handed ‘discipline’ didn’t go down well. It scared me and added to my sense of  ‘the worlds out to get me.’

They never tried to talk to me. They had always parented from afar. They didn’t know what was going on and I don’t think they cared. All they wanted was for it to stop.

You know I probably wouldn’t have told them anything anyway, so yet again I cannot even blame them for not asking the questions.

Out of sight out of mind.

So that’s how it happened. I felt like my life went from bad to worse. No matter how much I fought with my parents, I thought I would always at least have them. I honestly thought I was unloved, lost and I deserved everything I got, especially if even my own parents hated me.

I now understand that it wasn’t true.

I did have people who loved me and cared.

I have people to thank even though they never would have realised what they’ve done for me.

Firstly I want to thank Mr and Mrs Thumper (now this is where I begin to sound insane…..I use ‘begin’ loosely.)

They are two stuffed rabbits I got from my parents for Easter when I was around 4-5.

I still have them, they know so many of my secrets, have shared more hugs than anyone else in my entire life, seen more tears and smiles too. They were my security blanket and I held onto them so many times during those lonely scary nights I cannot count.

I’d like to thank my little sister Nicole. She didn’t know what was going on, she was 12 and I was ‘naughty’ and not allowed home. The few times I did manage to get myself to school I had told her I was very hungry, the next day she brought me mini boxes of cereal and laughed at me while I devoured boxes of corn flakes dry, yet to me delicious.

A boy I knew in school gave me $20 once to buy some food. I was shocked and amazed that he would think to do this. I don’t usually accept any money offered for any reason, but I could not refuse this. I remember taking that money to woolies and browsing the frozen section while drooling over the cheesecakes but a strange sense of maturity came over me once I was out of home a sense of ‘I have no one to look after me, but me’ I grew up.

I bought a loaf of bread, some grapes and a small jar of Vegemite.

I reserved the rest for days when I was exceptionally hungry.

I love food. I will never take it for granted again. EVER.

I guess my biggest thanks needs to go to my ‘high school sweetheart’ Only in my mind frame back then he was much more than that. On more than one occasion he rescued me from myself. He was always there. He cared and helped me laugh by bagging out my parents. I don’t think he will ever understand what he did for me. At that point in my life he gave me a reason and a purpose to still ‘try’.

Being so self-destructive I ruined that too. But I will always be thankful for the moments these people gave me.

And everything I have described here happened because I didn’t talk.

I didn’t tell anyone what was going on, what HAD gone on.

I really can not blame anyone besides myself.

Though even blame is a bad word. Because I really am grateful for the experiences I have had. Like I said I will never take food for granted again. I also know the huge importance of communication and honesty no matter how blunt and to the point it is.

I don’t feel hard done by, I did at the time, what emotional teenager DOESN’T think they are hard done by?

I don’t feel sorry for myself and certainly don’t want anyone else to, I am simply relaying stuff that has been.

Trying for the first time in my life to sort through it all, separate it into easier to swallow chunks.

I don’t want to forget these things, if your curious about why I feel the need to ‘get it all out’ well I’d like to remember it all.

AND appreciate it all.

If I can’t appreciate the significance of things I have been through I will never learn to appreciate the MUCH MORE significant things in my life that are beautiful.

And so much of it is beautiful.

The tests we’re given in life are hard, but the rewards we receive in return are equal to the struggle we’ve been through to achieve them.

And this may sound selfish again but, god only knows I deserve a lot.

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