My blog is nearly 2 months old! I am surprised I have stuck with it and been fairly consistent thus far.
I am just not sure when to ‘come out’ and share it with the world.
So far I have found writing to myself in my own little piece of world within a world is really therapeutic. Much more helpful than the councellors I spent half of English and Math with in high school, I worked that on purpose; No double periods for me. I have plenty of issues and skeletons in my closet so to speak and its nice to write it all down and get it off my chest.
I don’t feel like I have anything to hide from anyone, some things that have happened in my past my upset or shock people not that I have gone into great depths or detailed specific events. And there is still a lot I have yet to say.
I am who I am, and without these things I wouldn’t be me.
I think the hardest part for me to ‘release’ my blog is that even some of the people closest to me don’t know some of the things or feelings I have had. It’s not that I hide these things from people its just how do you get into a conversation about being molested or raped? How do you describe a childhood that has some great little moments you cling to but the rest you were determined to run away from screaming? It’s not daily conversation.
Really I know its my fault. I know that when I see my friends or family I don’t WANT to sit and talk about these things.I smile and laugh and talk about insignificant things we’ve done or how nice the weather has been catch up on gossip and chat about our kids. I don’t want to cry, I don’t want people to pity me or feel bad. I’d like people to understand. I’d like to let people know that even a life doesn’t need to be sugar coated to be considered a good, decent life.
The honest truth can be hard, but still worthwile.
I guess if I never told anyone any of these things it wouldn’t change anything either. But if some day some one in the midst of the turmoil I have spent a lot of time in happens to come across this and read it, I’d just like them to see that life isn’t over, you’re not drowning or struggling to get through it. But for some strange reason these things are happening so that you can LEARN. Some day you’ll be stronger than you ever imagined. Some day you will be HAPPY.
And as strange as it may sound. I’m glad it happened to me.
I like who I am.
I know I have some trust issues, especially with men.
But now that I have Glen I’ve learnt to trust again.
I heard someone once say, probably Oprah;
‘Everyone lives their own hell.’
At some stages in my life I wanted it all to be over and I tried to end it. That was my hell. Looking back I see why I thought and felt what I thought and felt, but I am glad I was such a failure. The glory of everyday I have now, well, I just wouldn’t have wanted to miss out on it.
But you may lose a parent or child or pet and think that is the worst thing that has ever happened t you. No one can say it isn’t. That is your personal lowest point in life. Your own hell.
The beauty of hell being at the lowest point? You can only go up from there.
And baby I went up! I have a hell, but I don’t live in it.
Everything in my life has made it worth living, I am so passionate about so much. I’m very well-rounded, I have experienced a lot for my young age. I feel like I have a wisdom that I would not have gained if I’d had a perfect little life.
I am happy I didn’t have a perfect life.
The next question is……
When do I want you to know my life wasn’t so perfect?
When should I come out?