So today is the last day of my two-week family time/meditation time/isolation/hibernation/time out thingy I was doing. There were a few names I used for it depending I guess on my mood for that day.
The aim was for me to re-train my brain, to appreciate each moment for what they were. To not be anxious and curious about what would or should be happening next but enjoying fully the moment I was currently in. I wanted to be content. I didn’t want to be bored because I wasn’t doing what I personally wanted to do.
I wanted to learn how to be happy doing everything for everyone besides myself.
And NOT be resentful of that fact.
I wanted Glen and my girls to become more helpful and more appreciative of each other and me.
I wanted to feel a complete mother and partner. I wanted to go to bed every night saying to myself ‘Yes, I did everything everyone required of me and I am happy about it.’ Instead of ‘I could have done more, I feel so bad about backing out of going to the park, I feel bad for not being completely involved in what Glen was telling me about work.’ and so on and so forth.
I wanted everyone to be happy and loving.
Did it go to plan?
Let me think.
Yes and No.
In the beginning of this thing I think I went about things the wrong way. I was going to be completely self-sacrificing and give up even the thoughts of what I would like to be done for myself. I made everyone first. (Well I always do, but I stepped it up a level, there was no ‘just a moment, I need to finish this, or just be patient for a minute.’ I just said ok and did.)
But I was getting walked all over. literally.
I decided I need to fight for me.
If I don’t, with four babies and a man in this house I very quickly just became the ‘cleaning/feeding/fun providing fairy’ I was never seen but somehow clothes were clean, meals were produced, and activities laid out for fun.
I did not start out thinking about me, I was thinking about us, but I soon realised the more I made it about ‘us’ the less ‘me’ was involved.
The truth was there was a lot more cleaning. For ME.
There were a lot more demands made. Of ME.
It’s hard to describe but the more I put in the less I mattered, I tried not to think about it for the first few days, well I don’t think I did at all, I was just doing and I didn’t mind, but once I became quickly exhausted, which I thought was extremely visible to everyone (not to mention the agony of my stupid foot pain -which is better now thanks-) I thought someone might step up and say hey Cristie/Mum, go have a rest. But nope. But I do live with a 9year old, 4-year-old an almost 3-year-old, a 1-year-old and a man.
Really did I expect differently? Really, did I?
I guess not. I’m just complaining.
But besides all that. Which really isn’t that bad at all. I am a mum of course and really in the bigger picture I don’t matter too much. I don’t mean that I don’t have wants or needs but when I get up in the morning my first thoughts are ‘I wonder what everyone will want to do today?’
I highly doubt ANYONE in this house gets up wonder ‘Hmm, what does mum want to do today?’
But besides things like, painting, writing, drawing etc, I did get to do what I wanted. I had wanted to spend time with my girls and make them happy. I know I achieved this and I am going to continue with it. But I will be giving them more responsibility to take some of the load off myself in the hopes that they will feel more grown up and I will feel less exhausted.
For an example Bella and Sophie have now taken on feeding and watering our dogs, Sweedie and Bones. (my friend thinks this term is hilarious, ‘watering’ the dogs, but its right isn’t it? To me it is and that’s all that matters. xoxox Nai!) Sophie is in charge of feeding and Bella is in charge of watering. They are both in charge of catching and locking up the dogs for the night. Such a small thing, but it’s not one of my favorite tasks and we did get the dogs for the girls to take on a bit of responsibility. I know the novelty will wear off and it will become a boring chore but hopefully I can get them to be strong and push past that monotonous feeling of repeating the same task daily.
God only knows I have that fight everyday!
The day they invent house cleaning maid robot cyborgs I will be in heaven.
They don’t necessarily have to be ‘cyborgs’ I just think that would make them cooler.
‘Wow, your house is beautiful and you have so much time to hang out with your girls, you must have one of those robot cyborgs!’
‘yes, yes I do!’
Despite my complaing which is a regular pregnancy symptom for me, I can not complaing about the fun we have had, and the full on mum and daughter time I have been able to fit in with each of the girls. We’ve spent long days in the park, long afternoons drawing and chatting, doing puzzles and simply mucking around.
We’ve taken long walks and our house has been relatively clean throughout. We haven’t really been bored only a few moments when we’d thought we’d exhausted all our ideas of what to do next.
Personally I have LOVED the alone time. I have not even wanted adult company, I have been contented to share everything with Glen. I don’t feel like I need anything outside our little bubble of babies and giggles, Glen and I easily get along and laugh and chat and gossip and muck around with the kids.
We all fit into this weird puzzle of a family.
I’ve felt guilty because I haven’t wanted to see or talk to anyone. And wonder if somehow I could make it a permanent thing. I doubt this highly.
I learnt that just because I love my little family unconditionally and that they know I would do anything for them at the drop of a hat, that I must fight for myself to have a valid place too.
I matter as well.
I’ve also learnt that I am so much more peaceful without outside influences.
I don’t need anyone to ‘entertain’ me or my girls.
We can entertain each other.
In conclusion I think my whole 2 week off-limits family time was a success, even though there were a few people who didn’t really respect my decision to have 2 weeks to myself and my family. I did feel a little de-valued by this, like I what I want and say doesn’t matter. And that my family time was a joke to some.
I would suggest doing this to anyone and everyone.
As I always knew, everything that really matters to me is a part of me and always will be.
Glen, Bella, Sophie, Violet, Molly and soon Buddy.
I have all I will every need or want.
I love you little guys with all my heart. I am happy I had these two weeks with you all and I hope you could see how much effort I put in to make you all happy.
And it was all because I love you.
With all my heart.
(Back to my pointless, philosophical, strange opinioned blogging over the next few days. Good luck to all who put up with it!)