Thoughts on why we do what we do with babies in our bellies.

Now this post is MY thoughts, most likely not factual at all.

But who cares right? Sometimes my thoughts are far more interesting than facts anyway.

(I did try to sneak a few facts in however. Can you spot them? Sometimes reality is weirder than fiction.)

I started thinking about things after being in the middle of a very ‘deep clean’ (Thank you Naomi’s husband for that term.) of my kitchen. I was thinking “What the heck am I doing? Am I insane? This is a very thorough clean I am doing…..oh hang on, maybe I am nesting.”

I’ve noticed over the last few days that I’ve been even more anxious over things being out-of-place, and once I start something takes over and I can not stop.

I’m a machine.

A very large uncomfortable, waddling, cleaning machine.

Who occasionally wants to cry about pointless things.

So I know this phase pretty well. It usually happens right before the ‘I’m to exhausted to even move, just let me lay here and wallow in my back aching sorrow’ phase. Which is right before the ‘This baby has to hurry up and get out of me’ phase.

Ok so not familiar with the pregnancy phases?


These are my ten made up phases which pregnant women go through.

Phase one.

You’ve just found out your pregnant, your excited and happy and tell everyone you know. Possibly even people who you don’t know. You may not have planned your pregnancy, and perhaps will decide against using natural methods of contraception in the future; such as crocodile dung which also failed to be effective when used by the Egyptians back in 2000 BC. Your starting to pig out on food because you think your meant to. You still sleep well and make all kinds of appointments to see all sorts of people.

Phase two.

You may buy a few things which are yellow and green. Which in turn makes you wonder about the sex of your baby and you begin to have preferences as to which you’re hoping for. You start to come up with names and still are generally excited. You may even decide to milk a bit of special treatment from those around you at this stage.

Phase three.

You’re a little annoyed because no one can tell your pregnant. Your belly isn’t big enough to look pregnant. And really you don’t feel too different, vomiting daily doesn’t do much to convince you of the joy to come. You may ‘think’ you’re getting bigger, but most likely it is from all the cakes you’ve taken a liking to back in phase one, when really we only need 300 more calories per day, equivalent to a slice of bread and tub of yoghurt. No one is giving you special treatment now and your getting a little bored waiting for the next phase.

Phase four.

Your showing a little. Your feeling a little more energetic. You’d love to go out dancing but it’s considered inappropriate. You may go buy some new clothes now instead because your on top of the world and nothings going to get you down. Except if your partner checks out another female which then you demand he declare how much he loves you and how beautiful he thinks you are. Your also really awesome at smelling things from a distance during this phase.

Phase five.

Your about half way now and things couldn’t be sweeter. You may know the sex of your baby and even if it didn’t turn out to be what you were hoping your still happy its a baby human and doesn’t have trotters. You can feel your baby moving now and try desperately to have your partner feel it. They may entertain you but still won’t feel any decent movement for a few weeks yet. Your belly is looking cute. Your getting a few compliments now. Your hair is also looking nice, your nails may be stronger and longer. Your feeling like a hot mumma!

Phase six.

By now you probably have bought just about everything a baby could ever want or need, you check it all out occasionally. Your wondering what your baby will look like and hoping it will be relatively attractive. Not that you are to concerend as no one in history has ever said ‘your baby is ugly’ You try to bring up baby in every conversation you have, you may even try to tell people about the constipation, nasal congestion and changes of your skins pigmentation. Again these people are just entertaining you as they are not prepared to deal with your inconsolable crying.

Phase seven.

This is the nesting phase. The one I am currently in. You have an overwhelmeing desire to clean, you want everything spotless and at least hygienic. You imagining crawling babies on dirty floors. And this won’t do. You go through babies things for the millionth time making sure they are immaculate and perfectly folded.  Your highly protective of anything you have cleaned and have an overwhelming desire to murder anyone who threatens to undo all your hard work, because deep down you know this is the last of your energy bursts.

Phase eight.

Your feeling fat and tired. By now your back is aching after being relocated to a completely different and awkward angle. Your body has begun to wake you at intervals during the night in pre-training for baby nights to come. You may also wake with a bladder about to burst. Once, maybe more depending on your commitment to pelvic floor exercises. You take a few moments to actually roll over in bed and anything you can wedge under your belly and between your thighs is at risk. If your partner hasn’t made romantic advances toward you for a while whether you want him to or not, you may have breakdowns again during this phase demanding to know if your ugly, fat and repulsive. Your partner will reassure you that you are none of these regardless of what he is actually thinking.


Phase nine.

So close but yet so far. You are now wishing and praying and hoping baby will be here soon, half because your excited and half because you want to be human again. The stretching of your pelvic bone is uncomfortable enough without the extra jabs your little one is giving you under the ribs or in the lung. And an awkwardly downward kick may even make you think he/she’s trying to escape. Your getting some Braxton hicks and occasionally you get a few and begin to count only to have them stop and you carry on with your moaning. You try to smile when people comment on how ‘large’ you are or you look like your about to ‘burst’ or try to take it gracefully when that one annoying family member just blatantly says ‘your getting fat, too much beer aye?’ The only thing you can do with people like that is imagine giving them a swift upper cut to the kidneys then strapping a 15kg medicine ball to their guts and laughing your head off as they try to live a normal life, saying ‘how do you like that, huh? Punk!’

Phase ten.

And finally you give birth. No need for details here. I’ll be kind and leave it at that.


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