After Violet’s birthday post, well any post where I have been really open, I have a strong desire to bury it deep in the past of my posts….I would most likely have tried to think of something light and fun to write about, something pointless, something to quickly hide that fact that I am nervous and unsure of what I had let go of. I would have had a few days of ‘humourous’ posts to pile on up on top of it all.
Because I’m just not that brave.
But I’ve been really overwhelmed by the response I had to Violet’s story, I didn’t want to ‘bury’ it so soon.
So I didn’t publish a post yesterday.
I cannot comprehend some of the messages I have received.
I’m going to wallow in it for a little while. I wanted to let you do the same.
I sit here late at night with my eyes hanging out of my head (to me a state I shouldn’t be writing in.) Or early hours of the morning (and this one is cold! And I probably shouldn’t be writing now either.) I try to empty the swirling thoughts in my head. My fingers rush across the keyboard. I once joked with my friend about the fact that our fingers just ‘know’ where to go, which keys to hit. Almost before I think my own thoughts. I am glad my fingers are doing the talking. Most of what I have written in my blog so far, anything meaningful to me at least, are things I would never dream of speaking out loud. My mouth would not be able to say them. And if for some strange reason I began to utter anything out loud my hands would take charge and probably strangle me half to death.
I’m just not that brave.
This is easy for me, any acceptance or rejection is from afar.
This may sound unappreciative but sitting behind my screen reading a response is hard, yet safe. I don’t have to answer questions directly, I can think it through first. I don’t have to see the looks of shock, the tears or smiles which would simply make me uncomfortable.
And I know that I would not be able to hear the beautiful and touching things I have been sent in messages and comments. Even trying to reply in words on a screen is difficult for me. My fingers hover over the keyboard for a few moments then curl back up on themselves.
Even my fingers are speechless when I come across a message or comment that is especially emotional.
I would never have been able to comprehend what my blog would mean to me or to anyone else.
I was a really shy and quiet kid. I grew out of that with having to tell some of the most intimate details of my life to complete strangers, counsellors, who in my opinion do not help at all, let alone THIS complicated teenage girl. I had to speak things over and over and to so many of them. I continued to be quite verbal from then on. I just wouldn’t speak about personal things. Sometimes it saddens me that I cannot talk about myself. (Ok, I can talk about myself plenty! Just in a pointless, shallow, keep it to the basics type talking about myself.) The part that saddens me is that there are people who I would like to share things with.
My best friend for an example. She knows more than anyone else knows, about my past, about my present and about my strange and wonderous plans for the future. But still with her knowing the most, it is still so little.
And this is one of those forehead slapping moments were you ask yourself ‘Why can’t I just talk to her!’
Because I’m just not that brave.
This blog is better than any counsellor I’ve ever seen. I’m not only opening up to myself but I am opening up to you, I’m gaining myself back in return. Even though I wouldn’t physically be able to say these very words to you, I have the knowledge that perhaps someday I will learn to. I never felt like I have run away or hidden from things but maybe I have in a small way.
This blog has opened my eyes, and my mind and my heart. Its given me a quiet place to re-visit moments in time and in trying to re-capture them accurately I have been able to experience the emotions I thought I had long forgotten. I can replay any moment that I treasure and cement it in words. I can also relive not so pleasant times and give it a home other than the one it has had in the back of my mind for far too long. I can express things as freely as a bird flys. I have no limits or eyes narrowing down on me to silence exactly the way I want things said (again thank you fingers.)
Most importantly to me, is I can write about love. I can write about the love I have for my girls. I can say ‘I love you’ all day to them and they would never know the true extent of it. They’d giggle, run off to find a new game or toy. This satisfies my need to make sure they know.
Some day they can look back and read this.
Some day they can see just how much I truly cared. Someday I may not be here to tell them they are loved each day, but by the time it gets to that point I want them to just KNOW and not need to hear weak words spoken.
This blog has turned my love, fears, and thoughts into real living things. Once they hit the page they are a separate entity from me. They now inspire others, they spark memories and emotions. In me, when I look back on them, and on you when you read them.
I would never have imagined this.
I am speechless.
I am thankful that my fingers are not.
I appreciate you, the reader right now. You have made me realise that there’s always more. More to share, which in turn more to gain. I am glad to be sharing with you right now. And I just wanted to let you know it.
I hope that someday I will be able to speak words as openly and freely as I can sometimes write them but until then I will work on my courage and confidence and continue to blog.
Note to self – Just be brave and trust people.