‘I’m Lauralie Ferg, and I’m a very professional person, a vet.’
‘Hi, nice to meet you, awesome name by the way. My name is Cristie Yager, Ph P.’
‘Oh wow, that’s impressive, Doctor of Philosophy you say.’
‘Oh, no, no, no, no, no……you miss heard me. I said Ph P. Primary home Person.’
‘I see. So you’re a SAHM?’
‘That too, but Stay At Home Mum’s do so much more these days, we deserve the same amount of respect as a Doctor of Philosophy.’
‘Hmm….well I have,….something to, ahh…I mean somewhere to be. Goodbye.’
My friend and I often chat about being stay at home mum’s. And the raising of children is but one small aspect. So I think from now on, I will refer to myself as Cristie Ph P. And I don’t mind if people miss hear and think I am super intelligent. But really it just stands for ‘Primary home Person.’ which I am proud of too.
So I hear you say ‘I want to be a Ph P too.’ Well you can!
And with only a few simple steps you can be one today!
First, you need to be a ‘slave’ now the definition of this word is – a person who serves, often under duress. I also sometimes use the terms drudge, captive or peon. So here is the important part of being able to take the Ph P title, you need to do everything. I mean everything. Lay out clothes for your loved ones to wear for each and every occasion. Even school or work which usually involves the same or similar thing. We wouldn’t want to send our loved ones off to work or school in the wrong underwear now would we? These clothes you will also need to pick up from their drop off location, wash, hang, fold and put away. The only thing your loved one needs to worry about is wearing them, the rest is up to you.
We need to make sure there are clean dishes and hot meals, sweet-smelling socks and floors you could lick if the occasion arose. You need to be sure that your toilet and surrounding areas are not sticky or oddly scented. Beds need to be fresh and comfortable, and everyone must be happy at all times. This does not include the Ph P of course. It is not your duty to be ‘happy’
Secondly, you need to grit your teeth, unclenched your fists and reply, ‘Yes darling’ to any request someone makes of you. It is after all your duty to ensure everyone has every desire fulfilled. You need to make sure your stress levels are kept in check, you don’t want to be obvious about the fact that your about to have a mental breakdown. It’s just not professional. You also need to be certain that all in your charge are sufficiently entertained at all times. If not, your workload is usually increased ten fold due to boredom.
Thirdly, you need to ensure that you do not have a smidge of free time to yourself, well not while anyone else is awake. You cannot be seen sitting for any longer than it takes to remove the agonising crick in your back, you can also use this time to mend a sock or sew on a button. You need to go, go, go. And always look busy. Your not allowed to forget where anyone put anything. You need to memorize the exact location of where everything is in case someone may need it. You don’t have time to remember where your stuff is. That’s not important.
Once you have mastered these three simple steps you can proudly call yourself Cristie Ph P. Well I’d prefer if you use your own name, but whatever works for you is fine by me. I don’t have the time to care.
The terms of your Ph P are as follows-
No sick days. Vomiting, headaches, who cares, get up and do something woman!
No holidays. You can beg and beg and beg and occasionally get a day once a year for good behaviour. Use it wisely, it will be the quickest day in history.
No pay. Well not cash anyway you get paid in hugs and kisses. I am currently working with the government on this one, despite the millions I receive annually, I still cannot even afford the home brand loaf of bread I chose to buy.
You get overtime! Lots and lots of over time, mostly nights or early hours. Some say that the breaking of dawn is the most beautiful part of the day.
Being a Primary home Person can be rewarding. You are ensured job security too, especially since you were never technically hired you can never be fired. Which is such a bonus because occasionally like with any job you may sometimes loose your cool.
You may occasionally accidentally on purpose mumble things like ‘No no, me? need help? its ok, go sit on your butt.’ Or ‘No, its fine, I love putting my hands in toilets, how nice of you to think of me while I scrub your pooh.’ Or ‘Me, tired? What would ever give you that impression after 8 days without sleep?’ Or ‘Yeah that’s great, I’d love some company as I man handle this pile of reeking clothes, whilst my back is about to break. How kind.’
Mumbling I have found as a professional Ph P can sometimes have profound effects. Sometimes those around may look at you with slight fear, possibly pity and decide to do something to avoid tantrums and strikes. God forbid the Ph P lose her cool, then EVERYONE misses out.
One last thing, I am so terribly sorry to say, that if you are a man you cannot be a Ph P, it is a highly desirable role as majority of women are doing it daily or soon will be. This is not discrimination, but if you’d like to argue the point I know plenty of women who’d be happy let you do work experience with them.
So now that you know what it takes to be a Ph P -well at least the basics- Practice makes perfect and keep at it!
My name is Cristie Ph P and I wouldn’t choose any other profession.
Well, at least until the people I love and live with can wipe their own backsides.
(To get the good you must accept the bad, to accept the bad you must be able to laugh your head off at it!)