Pregnancy ~Waddling to the end~

I am utterly exhausted. Sleep is such a hassle. I need to pee every ten seconds and getting up takes me about 20 minutes despite my ‘excellent stomach muscles’ doctors and midwives alike comment on them. If only they knew the condition of my pelvic floors!

Paranoia has made me work hard!

No unintentional sneeze/laugh/cough pee for me!

I am simply too young for nappies.

The worst part is trying to drink enough water during the day so I don’t get fluidy. Drink fluid to avoid fluid. I can easily sit down and drink a litre of soda water, so I’ve been over using our soda stream to bubble up my water which therefore makes me burp like a man. So to avoid fluid retention and look like the marshmallow man from ghostbusters, I need to drink my daily two litres and be as gassy as an old man with bad hearing!

And pee.


So not having too long to go has got me smiling. I am trying to savour each and every moment of this pregnancy considering it could be my last (If I don’t have grandkids before I am 40, I think one more may be called for and trust me he/she will be spoilt rotten!) But really I do want it to be over with. I’d like to feel like a human again and not wake at odd hours of the night feeling like that lady in ‘Alien’ with a strange moving, warping thing trying to claw its way out of my abdomen. Being kicked in the lung, ribs and ‘down there’ is in no way ‘a magical miracle of nature’ at this stage. The last thing I want to do is announce ‘The baby’s moving! Come have a feel!’ Its more like, ‘I’m being physically abused from the inside….leave me alone til its over.’

I feel like I need to get a big strong burly guy, possibly a concreter, (they are tough right?) to grab me by the pelvis and snap/crack it back into position. Its tilted forward and painful and I am so certain I have gained a waddle. With a bum like mine I don’t need a waddle. Though I do like the way my pregnant belly over shadows my butt. In comparison at the moment it is by far smaller. Thats a bonus.

Food…oh delicious food. I get sooo starving and then I have one mouthful and I am puffed out and need air because I am soooo full! Such a pain. I want to eat Buddy! And I know that once I have you I won’t feel like my excuses to eat delicious food will be good enough. So move on down already. Just not onto my bladder.


Pee or eat? Pee or eat?

I want to lay on my back without loosing circulation to my lower half, breaking out in a sweat and feeling like I am going to pass out! I want to lay on my belly too! It is MY belly after all. I want to be able to move from the two semi comfortable positions I can sleep in (on my left……or…….on my right) without feeling like my pelvic bone is about to crack in two and then struggling to breathe for the next 5 minutes….and then deciding that I need to go pee anyway…. 

I’d love to wear normal people clothes again, well not that I have anything specifically classed as ‘maternity wear’ I’m just stretching it all beyond recognition of ‘normal wear’ and hoping that after Buddy’s born no one will comment on my continual use of my ‘fat’ clothes, they are my everyday clothes! All my pretty dresses are like tents on me and because of my love of brights and patterns I feel that half the time I look like a large rainbow bean bag. Lumpy yet comfortable. Well to anyone looking in at least. To me, a lumpy bright, easily seen circus freak, who is the least bit comfortable. Why oh why didn’t I buy anything like this?…….

This one outfit in a few colours and I would have been set. Retro Mama! I could have jazzed it up with scarfs, lots and lots of beads, the possibilities are endless! (Just as long as it features a ‘quick release’ for peeing purposes.)

And wearing this, people may be less than willing to touch me.

I wouldn’t mind if random people would stop touching me, my belly is not ‘lucky’ and you’re not feeling my baby, its my belly. Hands off! I seriously don’t know why I haven’t worked on my karate chops, 5th pregnancy, you’d think I’d have learned that necessary lightening quick reaction to reaching germ infested hands….I also wouldn’t mind if people would stop asking how far I have to go and having a look of shock when I reply that I still have about 5-6 weeks to go! Trust me, I know I am large and look like I should have given birth to an entire litter 4 months back but geeze! I may get snappy later on…I still after all have 6 weeks of people asking me the same thing to look forward to!

And yeah we know what we are having, it is a boy. Random people knowing this information baffles me. Are you planning to turn up at hospital and give me a pretty blue outfit for my baby? No probably not, and I won’t see you ever again so REALLY? Do you NEED to know is my unborn baby has a va he he or a diddle?

No not really. But thank you for being nice and conversational. But the point is if you are asking me, you who knows me not, then I have probably been asked a million times and being a big oddly shaped female with something jabbing around trying to find exits is not the perfect combination for a completely balanced emotional human being.

Silence is best.

Ahhh silence. That thing I dream about, talk about but have not experienced for nearly 10 years now. I know that the moment things get quiet I go looking for noise.  And yes Buddy I know you will have a voice if your anything like your sisters, I encourage emotional expression, go for it! No dummy for you! I will need to keep dreaming of silence…what is it really?…..for some time to come.

But really what I am looking forward to most is holding my little baby boy in my ‘arm’ looking at this little life I’ve helped make while sitting on a white hospital bed eating my weetbix ration, feeling guilty for dropping a couple of toast crumbs on his perfect little sleeping head. Well you shouldn’t have pooped on me right after I gave birth to you and tried to breast feed you for the first time!

I am now at the point where I would be happy to be separate of my little person, being poked in the eye rather than the ribs, I love looking over his ultrasound pictures but I know it is nothing compared to the fleshy little face I know is hiding in there.

So Buddy, I’ll be patient and wait for you to make your appearance.  

All I can say is….



Please be kind until then!

2 thoughts on “Pregnancy ~Waddling to the end~

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