Beginning to think I have a rare and special talent.
It involves being very easily loved.
very easily hated.
It can take but moments for someone to have one emotion and then the other.
I can sit in my house. Not see anyone for months. Barely speak to anyone for months. Since February to be exact and STILL seem to stir very passionate emotions in people. I can’t say its a new thing. It has happened all my life.
I don’t have the privilege of having that vague grey area where people are indifferent to me.
I have ex boyfriends from years ago who continue to look me up. People who strongly dislike me for such insignificant reasons and yet are so curious about what I am up to that they are compelled to question people religiously and try to put together as much information as the can from what little they have. I can also honestly say that my own mother really didn’t like me much for a majority of my life. But now, she calls me for advice and almost looks up to me?!
I am not a people person, it isn’t that I don’t like people I just find that people don’t like me. I have learned to be alone. There is something that I cannot put my finger on. I can’t pick what is wrong with me.
I can’t say that I wrote ‘I can’t pick whats wrong with me’ because I plan to change who I am. Because I won’t, personally I like who I am and considering that my entire life has been me looking out for me, I HAVE to be on my side. No one else will be. I am just saying it in regards to the effect I have on people.
It simply confuses me.
And this is me working through my thoughts on why. It’s another talent of mine, thinking things through to the point of exhaustion! I am not looking for sympathy or pity or anything. I am not sitting here with tears streaming down my face. My expression is probably somewhat like a dumbstruck doorknob. I’m just using MY space to write my thoughts and process them and possibly get somewhere.
I feel like an anorexic woman who looks in the mirror and all she can see is obesity! Clearly I have the wrong perception of myself and can’t shake the feeling that whatever it is that rubs people the wrong way is clear to everyone; except me.
I don’t go out of my way to annoy people, I don’t think I do anything specifically that could be taken the wrong way. I am more selfish than that, what I do, I do for the benefit of my family and myself. I follow my own path and do my own thing. I don’t try to impress people, I try to be myself at all costs. As honest and open as I can.
Is that the problem?
I am my own person?
There are people I would love to reach out to and be ‘closer’ friends with but truthfully I am afraid. I can take what small amount of distant friendship I have now or ask for more, get it and then in the long run be slammed around like a rag doll with a look of ‘what the heck just happened?! Did you see what happened?! Cause I am lost!” on my little patch work face.
I know that I am an emotional person but I do also know that I hide a lot of that and can be a ‘surface’ person majority of the time. Oh *sigh* what does it all mean?!
I know people who don’t see anyone for months, like 12 months or more and it doesn’t seem to phase anyone. I on the other hand don’t see people for a few and I am the worst person around regardless of what my own personal home life may be like, what I may be going through behind closed doors, no matter how I am feeling.
It is just me.
OK well I am no closer to finding an answer to my endless questions the only thing I can cling to is the fact that there are two aspects to my new talent.
passionately hated AND passionately loved.
So to those who I know love me and appreciate me and support me and care for me daily; Thank you. I need to let you know more often that I love, appreciate, support and care for you daily in return.
I also apologise to anyone I have stirred negative emotions in, can we put it down to a ‘involentary spasms in my personality’? It was not my intention.
I am just searching for peace. A blanced level ground.
I am also open to any constructive opinions.