Stabbing at Bears.

*Just a forewarning to all of those Bear Grylls lovers out there. I am totally uneducated  on the awesomeness of Bear, and I am basing my entire post on about an hour total of actually watching him be awesome. So most, if not all of my judgements and opinions on him will probably be wrong. Please feel free to educate me if you feel the need!*

 

I mentioned Bear in a post a couple of days ago, and I just haven’t been able to get over the NEED to write about him. He cracks me up. Simple as that. He’s so dumb, it is funny.

He’s kind of like the Adhd version of the bush tucker man.

Personally if I were looking to learn wilderness survival skills I would probably try to find someone who would at least teach me to start a fire. He may have covered this in one of his ‘lessons’ but I missed it. I think he eats way to many creepy crawly things raw. At least kill the thing first please. I think I would eat anything he has suggested, as long as it didn’t try to claw its way back up my oesophagus! Everything tastes like chicken when cooked, so for goodness sakes!

 Start a darn fire!!!

(A  good tip he had one time, which I thought would come in handy for myself was *if your mouth starts to tingle, spit it out.* Ok Bear, thanks!)

I watched him follow a native man once and he came across a dead calf that had been taken by a lion or some other fantastical beast which he is yet to come face to face with while in the ‘wilderness’ and he decided he’d take some of the meat. The old guy cut some hunks off and handed them to Bear. Bear immediately asked if he could eat it, the old guy said yes, Bear put that raw meat in his mouth and began to chew, chew, chew. The old guy looked at him and said ‘usually we cook it.’ See Bear?! Even ‘native’ people COOK their food!

I then watched another part of an episode with Glen just a couple of nights ago. I had to shake my head and walk away. He was demonstrating how to stop yourself if you accidentally fell down a snow slope and impending death awaited you because of course there is a cliff at the base of that slope. So he threw himself down the slope -as you do- sliding along on his back, he then yelled that you needed to roll over onto your stomach, stretch out like a star fish and dig in with your feet and hands to slow and eventually stop your slide. It only took him half a football field to stop.

His next demonstration was to show how effective your stop would be if you had an ice pick. He showed the necessary way to protect yourself from that ice pick by holding it high above his head before he flung himself over the edge again.

This is where I had to stop watching.

I thought…hmm….if I ever happen to be strolling along an icy ledge (I do this every other sunday) and accidentally slip I will ensure that I follow the safety procedures Bear has so thoughtfully put together for me. I will take a pause before accidentally plummeting to my death to ensure all my sharp yet necessary equipment is either removed from my body or held safely above my head. I will then gracefully slide on my back until I decided ‘its the right time’ to roll over and use my ice pick to dig into the ice and come to a halt within inches of the cliff.

(I will then probably try to stand and slip and die anyway…but I guess that’s the part where you need a film crew and medical staff on hand)

I must admit he is resourceful. I also saw part of an episode where he caught, cooked (amazingly) and ate a snake. He then thought it would be a brilliant idea to pee inside the snake-skin.

Why oh why?!

Later, he drank it.

Yumo.

All I can say Bear, is that I am a female. What do you suggest me to do?

I know you’d have an answer and I DON’T want to hear it!

Die of thirst is what I would prefer!!!

Glen and I were discussing the fact that he was apart of the army or something like that (I can’t remember what, special forces or something?) But anyway, we were talking about the fact that he is so young and why he doesn’t do it now. We decided that they got sick of when flying in helicopters over mountainous terrain and all of a sudden Bear would just jump out. ‘dammit! There he goes again, circle back mate.’ Or possibly they got annoyed and disgusted that instead of eating his rations he’d demand centipede or worm?. I know I’d get annoyed if someone insisted on peeing in their canteens, well anything that can hold fluid, and have it slung over his back!

I wonder what his parents think. They did name him ‘Bear’ after all. Maybe they are proud of this grown man playing make-believe only on a much bigger more life-like scale, throwing himself naked into freezing water, tempting death every other day. I just hope there aren’t boys out there getting poisoned because they’re eating things from the back yard rather than a good old cocktail frankfurt from the fridge!

I think Bear needs to come live in our house for a while. It is pretty wild, hard to find food sometimes but we do have lots of bugs occasionally, if you want to fall down stuff, we have stairs and small children under our feet, our hallway is just about a gauntlet. My kids are as scary as any beast you may come across when hungry or tired and sure, you want to pee in stuff? go ahead, the kids do it all the time. And by the time all my girls are done in the shower, yes you to can freeze your naked butt off in ice-cold water.

This is one environment you would not survive in Bear.

Just think on that.

Tough guy.

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