Firstly, I know you won’t read this.
So why should I bother writing this to you? Because I have better things to be doing, other things I am trying to write, but I cannot. The only thing composing itself in my mind is this letter to you.
You confuse me.
I can’t decide whether I love you or hate you.
I need to get this out, out of my mind and into the universe to be soaked up amongst everyone elses anguished thoughts. I know I am not alone, but that knowledge doesn’t make me feel any less lonely. I don’t know why you do what you do.
I don’t know if it would help any if I knew the reasons.
I have many millions of questions for you, but my main ones would be; why don’t you want to know who I am? What did I do that was so wrong?
Now that I have my own children I know the magnitude of the choices you have made. To turn your back and walk the opposite direction as your own flesh and blood. It would devastate me and I simply wouldn’t be able to do it. I sometimes hope that you have reasons I cannot even begin to imagine.
I think if you knew who I was, the way I raised myself, the way I decided to be; I think maybe you would be proud and like mum want to steal some credit. You really don’t know what you’re missing. My kids are amazing, they light people up from the inside and maybe that is what you need. I think it is what you need, but I do understand that it is not what you want.
I really don’t know how to explain to you the loss that I feel.
I know I will never get my answers and I know that you will never read this. But for now, I feel like I have said what I needed to.
Just know my door is always open just a smidge, I will let you back in if that’s what you genuinely wanted. I won’t hold my breath however, as I’ve done it before and I almost suffocated.
Your eldest daughter Cristie.