Breathing easy.

My last post was a little depressing I guess. But I needed to do it. I know that you have read it which gives me a little peace. I know my father wouldn’t read it, and I am tired of beginning letters and then shoving them unfinished into my bottom drawer, or the unfinished letters that are sitting taking up storage space on our computer. Perhaps having the knowledge that SOMEONE read it may help me.

I’m not one to dwell. I think it is a bad habit and to be avoided at all costs, but knowing my father is alive and well and simply not wanting anything to do with me is hard. It is a constant in my daily life.

I can’t seem to leave it behind me. He hasn’t passed away, he hasn’t left the country. I know where he is and he knows where I am, it isn’t something that I can ‘leave behind’ me.

I do try however to not think about it, to just pretend that he does not exist.

Sometimes I just can’t.

I can’t deny that it sometimes affects the way I see myself, I think perhaps that I am not smart enough, or maybe I am not ambitious enough.

Maybe I am not the kind of person he would be proud of.

I don’t believe those things but sometimes I wonder why; what could it be?

Maybe it has nothing to do with me at all.

I think I think about it too much.

No, I know I do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Really this is just an apology post, I guess as this is my personal blog I shouldn’t be apologising for things I choose to write, but I know that you read it so I have to keep that in mind.

Now that I have gotten it off my chest, I am breathing easier and I hope to be back to my usual oddness soon.

Have a good day!

And keep your eyes open for more family experiments, Skinny Sunday’s and basically just random stuff!

(Happy stuff!)

4 thoughts on “Breathing easy.

  1. trust me, it has NOTHING to do with you. i havent spoken to my father in at least 4 years, ive lost count actually. i decided i didnt need to be constantly put down and made to feel less than what i am by a man that should take joy in seeing me succeed. When he ignored me for a whole day and night at a family Christmas infront of the rest of our family was the last straw. who does that? anyways, point of this story is your not alone. just becuase you have had children doesnt make you a good father – its a decision you have to make every day – and some people decide to put themselves first. What i really think is that some people have problems, mentally, emotionally whatever and are too crippled to share them with you so you can better understand their reasons. Maybe your father sees the happy functioning loving family you have and it hurst him to think that he couldnt of provided that for you, so instead of saying that to you he just shuts down and shuts you out so he doesnt have to deal with the hurt he feels. My father has shut out alot of people, both me and my brother and much of the rest of his family now, becuase if you dont reduce yourself to his level at all times around him and please him and do and say things that in no way conflict with him he doesnt want to deal with it. i know hes mentally and emotionally damaged. and i do feel so bad for him. but if he wont do anything to help himself why let him punish me and bring me down just so he can feel better? I mostly feel bad for Alex becuase he wont have a great pop like i did – but then i think even if he knew my dad would he have a great pop or would he just have a manipulating relashionship with someone who will undermine me to me own son? when i see people who have great relashionships with their dads it does hurt – but you can only live your own reality and this is mine so i just try and make the best of it. sorry to crap on for so long – but really – so man people have screwed up relashionships with their parents and just keep it hidden so it makes people like us feel like we are the only ones. its unfortunate, but we arent!

    1. Wow – I am so amazed at the amount of people that are in this position! It is so sad! Having lost my mum at the age of 12 – that was hard enough – but I can’t imagine having a parent alive and them having nothing to do with you! I have had problems with my father – at one stage I didn’t think I would ever talk to him again – but we got over that. He is a very negative man and probably bitter having lost my mother at such a young age. So now I just bite my tongue and usually just hold back – he is 73 so is not going to deal with his problems. Sadly, unless someone acknowledges that they have a problem and wants to deal with it, you can’t help them. Looks like you have turned out to be a great, independent woman – keep strong, and try and enjoy life – it can be far too short sometimes! Take care, Gwenda

  2. Nope Capturingtinysparks is right. Your not alone. Both my biological parents didn’t want me. And to this day are still not in my life. They will die and will have never cared to mend what they have done. It will be just another attempt to stab me. At times it works cos it stings but other times it doesn’t because I didn’t ask to be born from them. The sperm doner just took off,…I found him when I was 22yrs old. His destructive personality ruined us from the start. Bye! As for the incubator…I hold her more accountable. She passed me around til I was 9yrs old to baby sitters. I would stay with them for weeks and when I got to go home to the tiny apt. my incubator just slept off her booze. Whatever. So she married when I was 9. Time for the kid to have a permanent home…I was excited. But we never got along. We never bonded. The witch could only be rude to me among other things. I left when I was 17. She didn’t care I had two kids of my own…even then she didn’t ‘wake up’…. Now she’s not even in the State. Again, …bye!

    Some of us are simply products of sperm doners and incubators and that’s it. It’s the cards we are dealt but only God sees the bigger picture. Perhaps it’s so we have strengths that we other wise wouldn’t? I don’t know.

    But so be it. She’s going to have to answer as to why she didn’t respect the uterus God gave her…not me.

    I agree, I bet Barry is more intimidated by your parenting successes! And YOU ARE A SUCCESSFUL PARENT! As I’ve stated I could learn from you. 🙂

    Barry is a moron. That’s not your fault. Morons happen. 😉

  3. Christie – he has the problem not you – but I might be good for you to speak to someone that can help you deal with the situation and move on – may not be anyone up there. Also there is a great book by Louise Hays – You can heal yourself – that you might find helpful – has lots of positive affirmations and good excercising to help deal with things – I have found it really good in the past and always have it around – one of those books that you never get rid of! Take care of yourself, love Gwenda

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