My last post was a little depressing I guess. But I needed to do it. I know that you have read it which gives me a little peace. I know my father wouldn’t read it, and I am tired of beginning letters and then shoving them unfinished into my bottom drawer, or the unfinished letters that are sitting taking up storage space on our computer. Perhaps having the knowledge that SOMEONE read it may help me.
I’m not one to dwell. I think it is a bad habit and to be avoided at all costs, but knowing my father is alive and well and simply not wanting anything to do with me is hard. It is a constant in my daily life.
I can’t seem to leave it behind me. He hasn’t passed away, he hasn’t left the country. I know where he is and he knows where I am, it isn’t something that I can ‘leave behind’ me.
I do try however to not think about it, to just pretend that he does not exist.
Sometimes I just can’t.
I can’t deny that it sometimes affects the way I see myself, I think perhaps that I am not smart enough, or maybe I am not ambitious enough.
Maybe I am not the kind of person he would be proud of.
I don’t believe those things but sometimes I wonder why; what could it be?
Maybe it has nothing to do with me at all.
I think I think about it too much.
No, I know I do.
Really this is just an apology post, I guess as this is my personal blog I shouldn’t be apologising for things I choose to write, but I know that you read it so I have to keep that in mind.
Now that I have gotten it off my chest, I am breathing easier and I hope to be back to my usual oddness soon.
Have a good day!
And keep your eyes open for more family experiments, Skinny Sunday’s and basically just random stuff!