The past couple of weeks for us and by ‘us’ I mean ‘me’ has really sucked.
We’ve been in this town that I ‘love’ for almost 3 years. We’d found a beautiful property which I instantly fell in love with. I imagined planting out our pot confined fruit trees into our own little piece of the world, with my kids. I could even then envision those trees large and fruitful and filled with my grandkids, mulberry stained and giggling from the branches.
I could see us wondering around, exploring our chunk of the world, our beautiful natural safe haven where we had space to breathe and run and be free.
We’d create little flower beds in strange places and make lean to’s from the branches and play lots of make believe games where we were not spied upon by millions of neighbours.
But sadly we missed out on that opportunity and are going to re-asses our situation in 6 months time.
Since then I have been down; no that’s not the right word.
Frustrated, annoyed??? I just cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. My kids totally know that my hearts just not in ‘it’ at the moment and taking advantage.
‘They’ meaning Molly has been into everything! The moment I stop to feed Buddy or take care of the pointless things in life like washing dishes, or try to make my weekly sanity saving phone calls to my sister or best friend, my work increases tenfold due to her ‘exploring.’ They are expecting 24 hour 7 days a week, full on attention from me. I simply cannot give that. I knew that I would be doing it on my own when we moved here. I thought if I needed to, that I had the option of childcare for a couple of days a week. Turns out I don’t have that option here either. I knew that moving here meant I would have no support and I am actually kind of used to that.
But now after this little slap in the face I’m just kind of over being expected to ‘do it all’ and that if I can’t ‘do it all’ that in the eyes of some people means that I’m not coping.
I’m coping better than most, but I don’t feel the need to go above and beyond my basic duties which is normally how I operate.
I’m the biggest advocate for happiness being a choice. And I still think it is true but right now I don’t even want to ‘choose’ to be happy.
I feel like I put so much freaking effort into every single thing I do. I put in 210% more than the normal and sometimes I think people have the wrong impression of me.
I can’t do it all. Maybe I don’t WANT to do it all?
I’m not superhuman.
Far from supermum.
(Just let that sink in for a moment)
People seem to think that I can do it all and that I am in fact super. I think it is a very unfair label. The moment I’m not ‘super’ people wonder whats going on.
Being labelled means I have expectations and standards to live up to.
I have a 4 month old baby for goodness sakes! Most mum’s -not all I understand- would have the chance to sit on the lounge and cuddle and feed their baby, be lazy about things and I would love to be able to do that too.
But I CAN’T.
It’s just not physically possible for me.
My grandmother got mad at me after I had Molly. I gave birth to her one day, come home the next and was hanging out loads of washing and mopping the floors.
“In my day we spent a whole week in bed after having a baby and we had lots of people around to help!”
Good on you Nanny poo. I don’t have that ‘luxury.’ For me life doesn’t stop for a moment. If I stayed in bed for an hour past 7am -let alone a week- everything would go down hill VERY quickly. My girls would have rats nests in their pretty hair, they’d stink I’m sure!
I work hard. I’ve worked hard my ENTIRE life!!!
I may not leave my house as much as I want to. I may not get a chance to do the things I want to and when I do get a chance to do the things I want to, I feel guilty because my kids are STILL bored whilst I’m out trying to keep sane. I just wonder when I’ll get a break!
Come on universe?! Do you not see what I do? Do you not see how damn hard I try?! I don’t want much, just a chance to go home and be around my family, a little help and support!
I think I’m going to turn into my father. It is creeping me out. The similarities are numerous.
His cattle farm, where he takes care of everything. On his own. De-horns cattle, drenches them, castrate them. He des all the fencing, plumbing, weeding. EVERYTHING you name it he does it, without help.
I grew up watching him do all of this.
Now that I am an adult I know that other’s who do these same things NEED multiple extra hands to do all of it.
He’d say things like –
“Water off a ducks back.”
“Crying does’nt help anything.”
“When they tell you, you can’t do something, the biggest kick in the guts is showing them that you can.”
Yeah well I’ve proved it. I can do everything, I can do it all well.
What do I get for that?
A big fat nothing. Except the fact that some people don’t like me because ‘I can do it all’ or what they think ‘all’ is.
I don’t WANT to do it all. I want to be lazy and I want people to know it so they quit expecting so much of me.
I highly doubt there is a god, because I’m not going to sit around and have some ‘man’ dictate the outcome of my life. But if there is then I must have wronged him so badly.
And if not, then for all the good I’ve put in I am sure to be rewarded big time…one day.
Well that’s what I am hoping for.
So my dads a depressed, alcoholic hermit now, who wants nothing to do with his kids. I don’t think I’ll turn out like that but who knows what the future holds.
To those reading- thanks for allowing me this vent, I feel better already. I do know that things could by far be worse but I’m being a selfish brat right now and only thinking of myself.
And to you dear universe, listen to me! I know you’ve got great plans for me and those around me, I’ll continue to work hard and keep positive and make sure my little people turn out to carry on whatever it is that you intend for me. Regardless of how I’m feeling I’ll push through it and keep going. But please stop testing me, and if you must, at least cushion the blow this time. I would like my family around me and my kids, I’d love to live the ‘easy’ life for a little bit.
Just give me a break already!