This morning I finally was able to post the audio post thingy to Youtube. (See it here..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UV0BTJK8cSc&context=C398a6d6ADOEgsToPDskJnGJ3AUQ9q91kYDFlKkaQa.)It happened to be me blabbing on and on in response to a question asked about ‘happiness’ and while normally, mostly, on adverage I am fairly happy.
Today I just wasn’t that happy. There were momments like when the girls decided to make very loud obscene noises in the car while we 2 wheel drove on a 4 wheel drive track, as if they’d been replaced by a pile of pre-teen boys….that kind of made me smirk.
There were brief times when I was like ‘all is good’ but overall I was kind of….blah.
We organised ourselves to go bush. Took snacks for a light lunch, our swimmers in case we found a nice waterhole, we played the music loud and bashed and crashed through the bush while giggling like idiots and probably causing ourselves inreparable internal damage.
And it was nice. But I was off. I was tired and just wanted to go home.
I miss my sister and brother terribly. I know thats hard for some to hear, we used to try and kill each other and I don’t mean that in a joking way, we’d chase each other with steak knives, forks….spoons even. We HATED each other.
Matt had a broken arm…like 3 times…and he’d use it like a weapon, he was the cutest little freckle faced kid, but he would club us over the head with that thing!
So much so that I was tempted to scribbled out all the lovely things I’d written all over his cast in colourful pens! The moment we’d cry or tell him we were going to go dobb he’d immediatly hug us and sob saying things like I love you so much and I promise I’ll never do it again.
There is something about that little brat that melts my heart. I could never be angry at him for too long. And Nic *sigh* It would be nice to sit down and talk kids over coffee for a few hours or more.
We’ve been through so much together, been the only ones to stand by our sides. We can be bluntly honest and open. Laugh at each other as well as WITH each other and never is anything taken the wrong way. We kind of cling to each other when we’re close and become insperable and sometimes it can be hard to feel included when the three of us get going.
They’re comforting and supportive. We’re each part of this weird and probably ugly puzzle. There is a tiny lost feeling in the pit of our tummys when we are all so seperate.
So I guess I’ve been missing them. As close as I get with anyone else there seems to be this wall, sometimes its thick other times it’s thinner between me and whoever it is. But with them….there’s nothing. It doesn’t seem to be something I can control it just is, the way it is.
I’m fearless with them.
I’ve been feeling like a bit of a fraud of late. We each went and got our tattoo which says ‘wild and free cjy nsy mgy’ but I’m not feeling it. Wild and free that is. I want to feel safe and fearless, ok to be 100% myself. I guess nothing is stopping me right now but being so far from what matters to me….well I feel a little trapped by this place which is our temporary ‘home.’ I feel there is nothing I can do to change the situation, so all my ‘control’ is out the window, I’m almost forced into this ‘go with the flow’ kind of thing. There’s nothing wild or free about my being right now.
I don’t like it. I should get that tattoo changed to ‘caged and kept.’
I’ve been offered a job which I am highly tempted to take. But I also have reservations thinking that if I do…then I’ve cememnted myself just that little deeper here. I’m connecting myself with this place and I don’t really want to but in the same breathe I don’t want to continue feeling like I’m putting everything on hold for some time in the future and who knows how far away it is…..
I ended up paying for Bella’s year five camp which originally I wasn’t going to because we were meant to be going home. BUT time is creeping away and her camp is in a few weeks and it seems that we will still be here and I wouldn’t want her to be the only one to miss out. So now that I’ve fixed that up with the school we’re commited to being her until at least April. And I totally thought we’d be home for Violet’s 4th birthday.
4th birthday. She had her 1st here too. There comes a moment where you wonder if money is a good enough reason to be unhappy. I mean that is why we’re so far from family afterall.
For work and money.
Is it worth it?
I don’t know.
Money is what everyone wants, is it not?
I was annoyed at Glen too today. I really shouldn’t have been I guess he cooked me bacon and eggs for breakfast this morning. Well I wasn’t cranky with him until whilst 4wd-ing we came to this massive steep hill. Last time we drove to this point we decided it was too dangerous and turned around. Today though Glen thought he could do it. I wasn’t so sure. I mean when your parked at the top of a rough dirt track and the edge is so steep that you cannot see over it?…
Personally not my cup of tea. I said ‘You go down it, but I’m getting the stroller and kids out and we’ll walk down.’
Um…he got out of the car and began helping me to pile the kids out.
Ok so my sarcasm wasn’t as obvious as I thought.
So I also grabbed some snacks and drinks and my phone in case he ended up wrapped around a tree. He didn’t luckily but it was so steep that when he drove down the kids and I could see the underside of the car. We could hear it sliding in the gravelly rocks on the way down.
Meanwhile I was trying to help Molly and hang onto a stroller while walking down this extremly steep drop. Molly slipped and landed on her butt. The ground was just too steep. Sophie then slipped, Violet slipped….THEN…Bella slipped too scrapping her thigh on the ground. I barely had hold of the stroller and had 4 little girls, half of which were crying, sitting in the dirt trying to not slide down on their BUTTS!
I was not impressed.
Not one bit. I was close to slipping myself and freaked out about tipping Buddy in the stroller over…ergh. It was not one of the funner times in the day.
“Are you annoyed at me?” Glen asked, with a smile a school boy who’d just kissed a girl for the first time would envy.
“No….why would I be annoyed?’…bastard who kicked me and all the kids out of the car just to drive down some massive cliff and feel cool!…”Annoyed?…no way!”
Think perhaps the sarcasm may have been understood that time round….But I can never be to sure.
I can’t even pin point what bugged me so much today. I mean Sundays are never that great for me in general. I look forward to Fridays, no school on Saturday, no rushing around to get kids ready to go to school and drop off, no rushing to get kids ready for school, or for pick up, no making school lunches to make, no uniforms, socks and unides to search for, no crying over getting hair done….Ahhh Friday afternoon how I love you.
I also feel pretty happy knowing I won’t have some alarm blarring in my ear at 6.30 am (like it does each weekday) I used to be able to get up way before it, I’d be perky and happy to get up between 5am and 6, but nowadays? I totally rely on that ‘noise’ to get me up.
Saturday, there is a blissful -kind of- waking….I get someone knocking on my door asking for weet bix, or Molly banging on hers to get out, or Buddy drooling on my face. While still not that pleasent at least it usually happens around 7am!
Anything PAST 7am and I am over the moon for the day.
But Sundays….seem to go too quickly. The week is about to begin again. I know I’ll be waking to an alarm tomorrow morning and searching for socks.
Like a whole lot of other mums I guess.
Making sure everyones prim and proper, faces free of snot and vegimate by 8.15am so we can then ‘leasuirely’ make our way to school. (It also allows for the convieninetly timed pooh explosions, or last minute toilet stops or quick change because we tripped in the dirt…kind of a time allowance.)
I don’t like my days being broken by the 9am drop off and 3pm pick up. Like I said being ready by 8.45 am to head off….getting home around 8.45-9am and then to be ready to go get the kids at 2.30 pm…its such a chunk of time and once pick ups done then we move into that next phase of the day. Bath time, homework, dinner, bed…
Can you just tell my mood today?
Frustrated, bugged, annoyed.
I just find it ironic after posting the audio post thingy about being happy!
‘We’ as a family had a fulfilling fun filled, fanastic day (and I probably should have stuck with that and carried it that right through this post) but I needed a little vent. I’m glad ‘we’ all went out and enjoyed ‘our’ day.
I am glad it is over however…kind of, I guess. I’m not sure.
So darn inronic. Perhaps I’ll post about frustration tomorrow and have the opposite emotion myself??
What makes you happy?
(omg. Just had my highlight though! I clicked ‘spell check’ and a box came up saying ‘no errors were found’ well THATS a first. I must be learning something.)