What a night!
(To all of you newer readers, please don’t think my blog is one emotional mess, parts are yes but over all no. This is a phase and it shall pass.)
I called my father to ask how my grandmother was. Even though I have decided that I will not go against everything I have chosen in the past, I do still care.
He told me that she’s not in a good way. Mentally she’s slipping, but if he’d have listened to um….everyone, he’d have known this isn’t a sudden type thing it’s been happening gradually. I haven’t spoken to her in 2 years and back then she was on the decline.
My little brother Matt bought a beautiful little border collie pup last week. He stays with our grandmother. I agree that he probably shouldn’t have bought that particular breed considering where he lives. But I do think he needs some responsibility and stability in his life. He was then told to either get rid of the dog or move out.
He chose to move out.
He moved out Saturday.
Dad was telling me how when driving nan home she forced him to take a right turn instead of a left turn, he gave in and took the route she requested only to have her 10 minutes down the road ask where he was taking her. She didn’t know where they were going or what they were doing.
He then told me, with spite and anger in his voice said “Matt should be there. He chose that dog over your grandmother.”
Wow…I tried to keep my cool.
He kept going on and on about it. Like Matt was some evil, nasty person who left her on her deathbed. They’d given him an ultimatum and he’d made his decision before she’d even been admitted to hospital.
One thing; my brother and sister ARE EVERYTHING to me, they’re all I have. Maybe I’m a little too motherly with them, but NO ONE says things about them. (Keep that in mind) I can’t understand how our own father cannot see just how awesome Matt is! Or Nicole!
My reply was “Do you really expect a 19-year-old who works 16 hours a day, 7 days a week sometimes, to become full-time carer of an 86-year-old? YOUR mother? Really?”
“He shouldn’t have pick that dog over her, yes he should have WANTED to do that for her after everything she has done for him.”
The difficult part for us, and the reason we fail so miserably at any kind of father child relationship is because, well…simply put…because of her. The ‘things she has done for us’ include washing our clothes, cleaning up after us, she used to baby sit Bella once a week. She would allow us to live rent free -for as long as we coud stand it- in her house. You name it she did it. She would almost BEAT us to the point. RE wash our clothes, RE do our dishes, RE cook the meals we prepared.
If it wasn’t her way, it was wrong.
And she was on the phone to tell him all the hard work she put in for us. While WE lay around……
He never wants to hear a bad word against her, yet cannot stand to be around her for any longer than he must be. She has hidden him in this little isolated bubble so all he does is work. ‘working for your children and they don’t even give you thanks.’ I mean I should be thanking him so much! Everyday! For everything he has ever done for me….I just cannot thank him enough for the $200 I borrowed back in 2002 to make up the $1200 bond I needed…..
Mind you, this is a single 86-year-old woman who lives in a 4 bedroom slightly smaller than a mansion house with 3 bathrooms, a pool right on the water. That house alone would cover the debt owed by the business, twice over and perhaps my father would be free..maybe. But no, that house is ‘needed.’ I know I come across as if I have a lot of misguided anger towards her.
I mean who walks away from their sweet old grandmother?
She put me through so much it isn’t funny, but father won’t hear even a tiny scrap as to why I made the choices I have. He refuses to hear my side of the story, yet knows her side off the top of his head…She tried to take Bella from me. Was prepared to do it legally. Why?…I assume it was because she knew what it was like to be the only child to a single mother, she never met her own father. I figure being 86 now…..back in the day it was a tough life for her and her mother.
It didn’t feel like she ‘helping’ when I found out.
She would ask Bella, my first-born child, to call HER ‘mum’ behind my back. She refused to ever allow us to make contact with dad as we would ‘worry him and he already had enough worries at work.’ She tells random people that Nicole, Matt and I are drug addicts, that we are incompetent neglectful parents…I mean strangers in the street! I can only imagine what she says now that I’ve not had any contact with her what so ever. Oh and she hates Glen, thinks he is the reason we don’t see or speak to her and that perhaps he is evil.
Funny, funny, funny.
I won’t go on all day about the things she has done or said, the back stabbing and as far as I am concerned purposely set up situations.
The fact that she alone was the wedge that finally drove mum out (not that I think she shouldn’t have left) she then became the wedge that separated him from his children. She wanted him all for herself. Her own little multi million dollar minion.
She can keep him.
Dad has been hidden away from the real world, he thinks his life is so hard because he got divorced. I tried to explain to him that a lot of people are divorced. Not only him, I myself went through 2 relationship break ups…
He didn’t know that I’d been molested. Or raped for that matter. Didn’t know that the reason I got so thin before I fell pregnant with Bella was because I was starved…litterally from living in youth housing with not a cent to my name. He didn’t know that I’d spent a whole long, lonely night of my life cuddling my only son hoping that he wouldn’t die in my arms. He didn’t know that I almost lost 2 of my children during pregnancy or that I’d even given birth probably. I probably only said those things to him to make him feel bad, the way he tries to do to me.
He doesn’t know a single thing because ‘we wouldn’t want to worry him.’
“He’s doing it for us.”
He has no idea who I have become. No idea what I do, how I live my life. No freaking clue. I told him he is sad. He is lonely. He is full of hate. “Take a look around this is an ugly place and you’ve chosen to make it uglier. You’re giving up the only good things you’ve got.”
Man I know lots of people who’d like to lay claim and take a tinsy bit of credit for the people we each have become. Not him. We’re not worth the cow crap on his boots.
We’re users, we’re takers….want, want, want….
As much as we live our own lives and have no need for anyones approval, permission, praise, or respect, strangley….it would be a little bit nice to have just a tiny bit from him.
Why the hell?!
He told me I needed ‘help’ that I should see someone for my mental problems. Perhaps he is right.
Perhaps not. He cannot understand why I would be emotional. I mean why would I care? He kept telling me how he was ‘so young’ when he had me….he was 22. ok, he worked for another company and then transferred to his father’s business -where is still is now- mum and dad had me and lived in the house my brother just moved out of, they then moved into my grandmother’s home in Grafton. Finally when I was 4, meaning dad was 26, they got ‘help’ from his parents to buy a house. Then another, then another. I remember being dropped at my grandparents house every friday night so mum and dad could go out and drink and party. This continued until 2000.
To me…..that sounds like a peachy life. I tried to explain that he wasn’t THAT young as I was 16 when I had Bella, I also explained that I was asked to ‘move out and be responsible for myself and daughter’ when she was just 3 months old. I myself was 17. I did it. On my own. No hand outs from mummy and daddy. I asked him if he’s EVER baby sat my kids. No. Why should I. Oh, I don’t know perhaps because for half my lifetime you dumped us with your parents!
I don’t have operation grandparent. I have NEVER had the option to have my children’s grandparents watch them if I had an appointment, or OFFER to have them so I could take a break….
omg, I just don’t know why he cannot see what the heck is in front of him!
I meant do YOU see?
Or maybe I do just need that mental help.
Frustration doesn’t cover it. I am infuriated. I feel like punching him in his annoying face and tell him t wake up to himself. This is not a pity party, get over it. You’re not the only person to ever have their wife leave,…and really that is all he ever comes back to.
If that never happened apparently, our life as a family would have been sweet, all those things I endured in my life time would never have happened. We’d be happy and fulfilled and content.
Funny, because I AM happy, fulfilled and content. I’m standing up for myself, what I think is important and not going to let him drag me down. I know he’s lonely it would probably be nice to have a cell mate.
Not me Mr.
Dearest Mother and Father;
Thank you for teaching me the importance of a well lived life, thank you for NOT giving me the things I wanted OR the things I may have needed. I have learnt that to be happy and simply survive, really the bare minimum is enough. I am glad your now drunk mum, because It makes me drink less. I also feel content knowing that in your constant oblivion that you may actually be at peace in there somewhere. I thank you also for leaving dad because I wouldn’t wish him upon my worst enemy, and I honestly believe you deserve to be happy even if you think it means drinking, Dad you know what, I’ll still talk to you. I’ll still fill you in on what my kids are up to knowing that behind that phone there’s a small smile, I’ll be here for you as you’ve never been for me. I am glad you are who you are, you’ve given my brains, you’ve given me guts, and you’ve given me the drive that pushes me forward and won’t allow me to quit. Luckily for me I was shoved into the world with nothing to my name and luckily I learnt quickly that I could survive, nothing is ever going to get me down especially you. I feel sorry for you and I do wish that some day you could smile. And mean it.
Your life isn’t over. You just need to decided to live it.
You’ve both taught me so much. I honestly do appreciate it. As much as you think I’m being a spiteful brat about it, I genuinely mean it. Who on earth would I be today if you’d actually cared?
Your loving first born, Cristie.