I decided to take a couple of weeks off Facebook. It wasn’t thought about, it was a momentary thought “I’m getting off FB” and I did. Right there, right then.
I wanted to take a break because it becomes like this ugly little habit that sneaks up ALL THE TIME. Especially since I got my new phone at christmas. Slowly but surely I began ‘checking’ Facebook more and more.
For what I was checking…I am not sure.
Was I checking what others were doing?
Was I checking if anyone had commented or ‘liked’ any of my stuff?
Because I was bored and thought it would give me a tad of excitement in my own life?
YUP. All of the above.
I also found I felt a heap of pressure. As I do with my blog sometimes.
I don’t want to come across as anything except the way that I am; be it annoyingly painful or funny, or weird…..whatever. I just want to be seen as myself….good and the bad and I feel that sometimes the wrong impression is giving when the physical-ness of someone is not right there in front of you.
Facial expressions have no meaning, body language is non-existent, I could say one thing and it could be taken in 101 different ways depending on the reader. I think these are VERY important parts of communication. I found that through trying to live my life ON Facebook for my family to feel more ‘WITH’ us…and most likely for me to feel more ‘WITH’ them too; that my actual real life was slipping by.
I have so much I want to do and want to experience and with my thumb stuck scrolling my phone….it isn’t going to happen.
Without Facebook and my blog for 2 weeks I felt free. Really I did. I felt like I’d stepped out of the world. For just a little while I did not exist. Which I originally thought would freak me out.
I’m going to get all shrink-like on myself…but I think that because my own parents never really let me know I was ‘good enough’ that I have this desire to feel validated or ‘worthy’ in my life, I don’t think it will ever matter who says ‘good job’ I’ll never feel it is enough until my parents…the ones who created me…. say ‘I’m proud of you’ but that’s not going to happen soon. I don’t think I’ll ever get to a point in my life where I feel ‘valid’ but I accept that as part of who I am. I don’t think I am not ‘good enough.’ I know that I am just fine, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate a pat on the back for things I say or do. It is almost like the positive reaction is encouragement for me to keep going, it’s like a little green light telling me I’m on the right path. I don’t ‘need’ the green light, but I like the green light.
I have thought occasionally that without Facebook to keep me connected with my family and without my blog to keep me connected with ‘the rest of the world’ that I would simply not exist.
Kind of true.
I disappeared off the radar. I liked it. To you, I was gone but to me?….Wow, I lived. I did things I have wanted to for so long thinking I didn’t have the time. It was almost like I had inspiration overload….everything just flew into me and came bursting out.
My mind worked better and clearer. The ideas I had were massive and many, I couldn’t keep up with the new fresh material that came to mind.
It was a little overwhelming.
We did heaps with the kids. I made heaps of things and created new things.
I completed a short massage course, something I’d wanted to do for so long, I crammed all the theory of a 6 month course into 8 hours completing 16 assignments and 18 multi question exams with a result of 98% I was happy to have finished it and finally done it. It covered everything from human anatomy -which is fascinating- to pregnancy and baby massage, the origins of different types of massage from Indian, china, Thailand and Peru, the health benefits, the history of massage and much more.
I wouldn’t have been able to do that if I’d been spying on everyone on Facebook every 15 minutes.
Imagine what I could have done in 4 weeks?
Just no one would ever hear about it. And I think that’s where we ALL fall short. We WANT to know what everyone’s doing to place ourselves on this ladder like a cyber rank system; and no one wants to be near the bottom. This frustrates me though, I have many a Facebook friend who seem to….via their hourly status updates….live an impressive happy, joyous life.
Really? Life can be sweet but it is also sour. To NEVER experience the sour parts…well to me it comes across like a fairytale story…and really I’ve never been one to belive in them.
Are you even human?
In my 2 weeks without Facebook and my blog I learnt that I can be content without approval. I can be ok with just being me WITHOUT the validation of others. This may shock and sadden some but I considered never coming back to my blog.
But reminded myself it ‘is for my children’ it always has been and always will be but in its growth I have sometimes had to take into consideration my audience. And the only audience that I want to impress is my children and they probably won’t even read this for another 10 years.
I also have a lot more I want to tell them.
Facebook. It is a strange thing. I was beginning to form all these conspiracy theories too. I used to do this a lot prior to Facebook when my mind wasn’t numb. Don’t you find it strange that there is this online place where not only our most personal thoughts are shared but the connections between who we talk to. We even categories our ‘friends’ lists into acquaintances to school mates to family members and even specifically how we are related to them, I mean why? I know that Nicole is my sister…..the people who know me and her know we are sisters….???? We share many a ‘profile’ picture and even argue on the screen. We claim we want privacy in our lives yet….seriously….we’ve just complied the hugest amount of personal….deeply personal information into one convenient spot.
And then add ‘friends’ to view it all…do you even KNOW your ‘friends’??
I don’t know all mine!!!
Anyone needs to know about us is our name. Then BAM…..it’s all there. There to be tapped into and harvested and taken. Not just by freaks but by the government. Everything we see, everything we hear is in some way promoting some product, some excuse for us to spend money on useless junk, not only have we put everything about ourselves in one easily accessible despite ‘privacy settings’ place but we’re now easier to study. A mass of people bouncing one product around.
“Manala Jones ; I just bought the most amazing sunglasses.”
“Ariel Mermaid; Where from? What brand? I want pics 🙂 “
And on it goes…..Banks have all our details, how much we earn, how much we don’t, where we live, who we send money to, WHAT we spend our money on, what bills we have. Heck they’d even know which porn sites we pay for online….not that I pay for any. Or look at any. You get me…… Centrelink. They have the right and power to take or give what they want. They know our address, all our bank accounts, our partners, our relationship status, our children’s details and then make us feel so worthless and needy the moment we pick up the phone to talk to them.
Those things are in place to ‘help us’ I think ‘control us’ is more like it but yet all these government places can never gain the invaluable information that we give and glue permanently to Facebook -and the whole internet world- freely. Everyday.
It’s probably my paranoid onset of a freaky breakdown (won’t that be interesting) but that 2 weeks without ‘the outside world….which has become ‘online’…..has made me think. Never a good thing.
Maybe that is why we have Facebook, so we don’t have to think, it gets us so involved with impressing people and spying on others lives and feeling ‘a part’ of something that we don’t have time to think. Freely.
I just wonder what a world full of me’s would be like. (Firstly, if I annoy myself, surely it would be painful.) But just for a minute think…..a world full of people who do not place a value on ‘working for the man’ but choose to create and gain money from their talents. People how rebel and instead of having bank accounts and ‘savings’ accounts who rob us daily, have jars full of cold hard cash hidden under their mattress (forget robbers exist for a moment) A world full of people content with who they are and who’s main motivation is family and happiness.
People who accept each other, good or bad. Who tell centrelink to ‘leave them alone.’ People who take responsibility for themselves, their children and their mistakes, share their money, ‘stuff’ and homes with ones they love. Unselfish, caring yet not to be walked all over type of people.
Imagine the world if there were no need for big banks. Imagine a world if there were no need to be ‘better’ than someone else, be it their job, personality, their clothes….everyone was doing what they did because they WANTED to not because they wanted to make ‘Mary’ down the road who always looks like a million bucks give them some kind of acknowledgment. Imagine a world where no one went to ‘work’ but actually worked HARD at what they did?
Just imagine if we were not ‘controlled’ by the employment. The thought that we all MUST be employed by someone else. I mean how come? Yes to pay the bills, but how come we have massive mortgages in the first place? Because we wanted a better, bigger house than our cousin Ganga? (I don’t know how my children ended up with relatively normal names considering what pops into mind sometimes.)
We have debts for stupid stuff like cars used to ‘impress’ we NEED expensive water features for our garden. We HAVE TO HAVE large peruvian rugs….chandeliers…..acrylic nails, foils in our hair, brand names clothes bags, shoes…..
WHY? Because the commercials tell us so? Because that’s what EVERYONE else has?
I’m so over this whole ‘image’ type world we live in. We’re like competitive little idiots running around going ‘look at me!” “Look at me!”
If only people had the guts to say “you know what I don’t need that, because you TELL me I do.”
It is amazing what 2 weeks without Facebook did to me. It really gave me time to think clearly and see that my original flame and passion to be ‘me’ and stand up for what I belive in, oh so much stronger. I almost ready to fight. I’m pumped and my life is going to change.
I’m going to have a garage sale. I’m going to put my massage course to use, I’m going to offer to baby sit and do odd jobs for people, maybe even clean houses. I want to leave this town. I want to do it now. I want to buy a property with a large house, not a perfect one but somewhere comfortable with lots of room for sisters, brothers, grandparents to stay as long as they want; plenty of potential for me to go wild artistically. I’ll hang things from the roof and fairy lights and grow wild plants -inside *gasp*- I want it to be somewhere that invites people in and sucks them into a world of relaxed imagination. I don’t want it to be ‘neat’ with family portraits hung on the walls, but loungey and comfy with mellow music and natural breezes and sunlight, not fluorescent and air con. I want it to be somewhere that people want to sit and talk and laugh with one another over smelly tea, nibbling fruit and nuts. I want my kids to run. Run and climb and scrape knees. I want them to pick weeds to put in vases and hunt bugs. I want them to build things from sticks and leaves. I want them to go to bed at night exhausted dreaming about the things they did and saw not the computer games and movies they watched and played that day. I want to ditch our phones, TVs to, if Glen would allow it. I want flowers for my girls to pick and dirt for Buddy to dig in, I want chickens we can chase and eggs to collect for Saturday breakfast. I want dinners with family and laughs.
So many laughs.
I want to earn my own personal living from making just stuff. Clothes, jewellery, paintings..I want to make everything, I want to sell it at markets…they’re fun festive yet relaxed places and I want to be a part of it. I don’t want to make millions just enough to be some ‘junk’ to make awesome, enough to pay a few bills, enough to buy a few more fruit trees down at good old Bunnings….
I just want to smile and make people happy. I want to step out of this ‘cyber’ world (don’t worry I’ll continue my blog.) I want to leave Facebook behind forever, I can’t bear to part with it yet…I’d never see my sister, brother or adorable niece Lily if I did.
God I hate money.
I don’t want masses of money sitting in my bank account to brag about. I don’t want to have the fanciest, shiniest things. I am more than happy to make or buy second-hand the things I want or need. It doesn’t make me feel ‘dirty’ or ‘not good enough’ I like that stuff better. MUCH better. It makes me feel better knowing my life isn’t a show room on display but more of a canvas to paint who we are on. NOT materialistic, NOT concerned with brands and price.
The part I hate?
We need a big chunk of it, ‘it’ being dollars, to get to that little safe haven of a life I have planned.
And I’m going to do everything I can to get it. I feel like my whole life is on hold. I can’t raise my kids the way I want, I can’t be the sister or wife that I want, my minds not in it and my heart is trying it’s darndest to stay true. I am trying so hard to be who I am and not give in to the pressure of ‘being like everyone else’ but this place is not giving me the space to just’ be.’ I can’t do it and I feel like everything is suffering because of it.
Damn you money.
I just want to live my life with my children and husband, my sister and brother and family. I’m trying to do it over Facebook and it’s just not working out for me.
I want to start living now.
And Facebook is no life for me.