I’m having such a downer of a day. There’s just no perk here, no springing in my step. I can honestly say that each day is getting tougher and tougher to make that very real choice to ‘be happy.’
I don’t think our family back home understands how we ‘live’ here. We’re isolated. We have neighbours…well not currently…but its not like we’re living in the sticks but the only people we want to see happen to be oh so far away.
And of late I don’t want to see a sinlge person except them.
Glen doesn’t understand when I try to explain ‘my life’ to him. He just doesn’t get that for almost 4 years now I have been alone in this house with our kids, cleaning and cooking and waiting for him to come home. Normal things like a little ‘pop in’ from a loved one or close friend for a vent and coffee doesn’t happen here. I try to tell him that I’d love a job, to get out of the house for a few hours to feel ike I was contributing to our family, it would be like heaven to me. Not that he doesn’t want me to work, but I also know he cannot handle the kids like I can and I know that I couldn’t leave them with him for too long. especially over a silly thing like wanting to ‘get out’ for a bit into the real world.
I don’t even know what my issue is today. I don’t feel understood I guess. Rarely do I ever feel understood. Maybe my views and ideas on how I think life and the world should be are completely different to everyone elses. It’s funny how everything I seem to do or want to do…somehow must affect everyone else. I mean why would people not want me to do things and say things if it had no affect on them personally.
Sometimes I feel like I should shut up, sit back and just go where each day takes me. The same way I think a lot of people do. I just don’t want to be like everyone else and I never have.
I remember my mum getting mad at me because I would never wear just one set of clothes. I would wear pants under a dress or a dress over a t-shirt. I had to draw weird things on my face for school or design a different styled skirt to everyone else as part of my uniform. I couldn’t wear an ordinary white polo shirt but it had to be different in some small way, even if I had to draw on it to make it different.
I didn’t want special attention, I didn’t want to be cool. I just wanted to be me, slightly different from the masses that surround me.
I’m feeling a bit crushed I guess. No one likes different. No one wants unique. Hair colour, eye colour thats all fine. Yep we are ALL individuals…but abilities and ideas need to be mainstream I’ve found. If you want to be accepted that is.
There really is a little mould in which most of us feel we need to cram ourselves into so that people like us or can even just tolerate us.
We call ourselves things like ‘adaptable’ and ‘flexible’ when really it is a nice way of saying “I’m being what you want me to be.”
I don’t want to be what you want me to be.
If you don’t like me that is ok. I can’t blame you. If you do…well perhaps you should re-think that.
Aww…no I’m just being a sooky brat. I’m feeling depressed and down I guess. Glen doesn’t get it, my kids blatantly don’t care…they still want their snacks and entertaining, their faces painted and left over party balloons blown up. And really it wouldn’t matter anyway I’m pretty good at faking a smile and don’t want to talk about it with anyone anyway. Perhaps I should be writting this on a scrap of paper to throw away?..
I apologise that you are the one to listen to me have a sook. But to be honest I’m trying to pretend you’re not there while I type away my negative emotions.
I’m tired of the way everything and everyone is. I’d like to think the world is a light, floaty place…I try to live like it is. But it isn’t, it’s ugliness is still there no matter how much one tries to disguise it. I just feel so ‘blah’ today. I don’t want to do a single thing. Though I have. And I will continue to do so.
I just wish it would rain or something. That would make me happy. Because truthfully I don’t know what could right now.
My girls are playing restaurants with some plastic cups, plates and forks…and water with green food dye in it…not sure what that’s for. I like that they cannot see this darkness brewing in me, I’m glad I can smile and help them fold napkins.
Gosh today just sucks and I think I’m over it now.
Tomorrow should be a better day.
Thanks for listening to me blog. xox