TORN

I have a little ‘thing’ that is stressing me out.

My school reunion is next month and I’m trying to figure out how to get there. Glen agreed that I could hop on a plane, fly to brisbane, jump in a hire car and drive down to the beautiful place that is Coffs Harbour to bunk with my bff for a whole 5 nights!

How heavenly and simple does that sound?!

Drive back to Brissy, hop on a plane and there you have it, reunion been to, catching up with old friends done.

If only it were so simple. The moment I began looking at flights my panic rose. Glen has never ever been on his own with all the kids for any longer than a few hours.

I also have not been away from my kids for more than a few hours.

I tell myself that as long as they are breathing when I return that all is good. But I am not at all confident that they would all be breathing when I got back after being away so long.

Would my baby Buddy, adorable little Bud think that I’d abandoned him and erase every sweet memory of the woman who cuddles him like she’d never get a chance to again?

Would he cry all night because he hasn’t been comforted by his warm and familiar mummy?

Would Glen remember to feed him? He eats real food now, does he know that?

Would Molly disown me for leaving her here? Well the bigger girls certainly would.

I wouldn’t be able to tell them where I’ve been. It would break their hearts to know that I’ve been off frolicking around the counrtyside…because to be honest, without my kids and husband that is what I would do.

Frolic, with butterflies swirling around my head, sweet magical music would fill the air…I’d practically be prancing like a little fawn….all tender and new with the hope and joy of the sweetness and freedom and beauty of life….then crumble into a depressing, bubbling mess of tears and loneliness….then frolic again, que music.

But for them to know that I’ve gone and seen Nanny….Nanny and ozzy with their weird ghetto house/reptile park….to know that I’ve hung out with the coolest most awesome guy they know?…Uncle Matt…that would probably be the point where they shake their little heads and walk away from me.

OH….But the freedom I would feel….there wouldn’t be 12 hands pawing at me every second of the day..Glen’s included. There wouldn’t be anyone asking for a drink, food….anyone asking for anything. Just thinking about I feel lighter and buoyant, I envision a smile and a deep breath…….

And then I envision….the shakes, a uncontrolable feeling of being lost, wringing my hands because I’ve got nothing else to do with them, jumping at the very sound of the word ‘mum’ because my ears are going through withdrawrals, I can only hope that I wouldn’t get to that creepy point of actually trying to cradle my friends 12 years old. And of course there’d be the looking around and around like I have lost something because after all I will have lost everything.

My very purpose is to fetch those drinks and snacks…hold those pawing hands.

I’ll be like this helium balloon with no one to hold it down….yes to fly would be nice…….but it gets cold up there all alone after a while.

So….my dilema, should you not have realised it yet is…..

I want to go.

I’d love to go….highschool not so much was a ‘special’ time for me…but the period of my life that I label as high school is. The things that happened in and out of school during that time shaped a lot of who I am now. It would be nice to see the familiar faces that kept me a float during those times whether they knew it or not.

I can’t think of any other time in my life when I will have a chance to see everyone in one place again so it would be nice to go.

Only I can imagine an awesome time without family in tow….I just can’t imagine it lasting for long. A few hours?……I’d probably finally drive into Coffs Harbour only to have had enough ‘alone time’ and turn around to drive right back!

Just think of it though. I could go out, I could shop….I could do nothing. I could….no….I WOULD sleep entire nights through. I would sleep in!

Omg!….

I could go places WITHOUT vomit, or pooh…or stuff that looks like pooh smeared on my clothes. I could…..no; this is another WOULD…..smell like a person…maybe even a pretty female person! I could get into the car without strapping a million people in first, no double checking of seat belts, no making breakfast for anyone before my own. I could probably finish…thats right folks……FINISH a coffee before it goes cold….hell just to finish an entire cup would be nice, anything hotter than lukewarm welcome.

But could I leave my babies for 5 nights? To fend for themselves, to deal with Dad?

*LAUGHING* I just laughed to myself…..it sounds like I will be leaving my 5 kids to supervise Glen.

Kind of.

He’s got no one to call to come to the rescue should he need it. He could call me but I’d have to talk him through the situation like a NASA radio control person.

Step one…..take the wet ones…..

step two…..

so on and so forth.

I trust him with my life…but the life of 5 kids who can be frustrating? The only thing I can cling to is that they listen to him far better than I…but I’m sure after a couple of days the novelty would wear off and the rebelion would begin. Would I come home to a bunch of rag wearing ferals carrying makeshif spears made from kitchen utensils? Vegimite war paint?

Oh god!

Glen would be tied and gagged in our closet….You know they’d probably even put Peppa Pig on repeat as torture.

Would he let them watch Peppa Pig?…oh the thought that he may say no to Peppa Pig almost brings tears to my eyes.

I don’t think I should commit to those tickets. Could I stand in the airport with my bag packed and walk away from my 5 babies with their tears running down their cheeks looking at me with the most tempting puppy eyes ever?! And Glen’s expression of total and utter panic???

Oh what to do?! I’m going to feel so horribly guilty for seeing people I know the kids desperately want to see, I will feel guilty for those back home wanting to see all the kids knowing they’re growing so fast and here I come, prancing along all alone like I’m some strumpet with no responsibility at all!

(strumpet….hahaha cute.) Would I wear leopard print and trashy hair and fake neon nails just because I didn’t have the kids?…..oh I DON’T KNOW!!!!!!!!!>……

What do I do?

………………………………………..

Throw my hands in the air like I just don’t care?

Party like it’s……1989?…I can’t remember that song so well…..Plus I would have only been 5 so I wouldn’t have partied well back then.

Hmm….I could take everyone with me and spend all my savings in the process…..

…………….

I think I’ll talk to Glen about it. What’s money anyway?…..Comes and goes…… family is far more important….and I can party like a mother of 5….because really…that will never change…….hmm…yes I think I will. I shall talk to Glen.

Ok thanks for all your help!

I may have a plan.

xoxoxo

2 thoughts on “TORN

    1. lol…I just came onto write a post…I just bought tickets…4 nights. I’m doing it! I am worrying WAY too much, but I do know I should just a little. But I’ll never see most of these people ever again. I couldn’t just not go…:D Poor Glen….He’d probably enojy the torture he’s about to endour better with his dad here to feel it too lol 😀 xox

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