This is totally not the day for me to be blogging, but I’m cranky. Plain and simple and this is the only thing I can think of to let it all go.
So I apologise for you having to deal with it.
I’ll probably say things I’ll regret, things I shouldn’t but I don’t care all that much right now.
You know for the sake of not wanting to seem like an arrogant female dog, I try to assume that people simply don’t like me, that they avoid me because I’m annoying and over bearing and pretty much just a pain.
It makes me feel better to think like that.
But I sometimes wonder if there is a little jealousy hidden in there. I know I am ambitious and yeah I admit it, I have some talents or skills or whatever you want to call them.
I’m not just a mum, which really if that’s all I were I’d still be happy and proud of just that amazing feat.
Should I not do the things I do just to make other people feel better about themselves? It seriously feels like it most of the time.
Should I not be who I am?!
No one wants to be anywhere near anything slightly good, they feel more comfortable around just ok. But they’re happy to be an unheard audience!
I just didn’t realise I came across as a judgmental person. What anyone else does doesn’t concern me. Maybe I’m stupid in thinking that we do what we do because we want to. I’m not living my life in a specific way to annoy or aggravate anyone.
I’m not in competition, so why do others want to compete with me?
Not one of these possibly ‘jealous’ people, who prefer to sit back and ‘watch’ my life play out, seems to take into consideration the struggles I have had to go through to get to where I am…and trust me it is hardly as far as I plan to go.
There’s no consideration of the nights I’ve spent awake, the continuous and sometimes messy juggling act that is my life. The things I’ve had to teach myself, the time spent learning and working on things to gain some experience. People just assume that I wake each day all perky and pert happy to go about my magical life, doing this and doing that, full night sleep all calm and rested with a smile on my face, a song in my heart in some fairytale!
It is so far from the truth it’s not funny!
To comfort those who assume my life is ‘perfect’ or whatever they think, well it isn’t. My house is a mess majority of the time. Which is a constant stress for a clean freak like me! It’s one of the ‘plus sides’ to having to delegate my time so I can get everything done. I always chose my kids over the mess and everything else, so I am behind most of the time. If I don’t get everything done for that day I go into the night and that is almost all the time. My bed time has now merged closer and closer to midnight each day, my wake up is 6.30am. I lose so much sleep that it will probably affect me one day, I still have 2 babies who wake during the night. I’ve gained weight -that always perks the bitches up- considering I’m a massive advocate for ‘making’ time, well I just can’t ‘make’ anymore. I never get on the treadmill. I never watch tv, unless it’s something Glen has on while I sit in bed and work away. I am mostly homebound because besides Bella and Sophie who are in school I have 3 kids at home full-time. I MEAN full-time, some people just don’t get it. They don’t go to grandparents, daycare nothing. So everything I do MUST be home based. Besides grocery shopping I’m more likely than not at home. I’m stressed to the nines a lot of the time and Glen usually cops the brunt of that. I get snappy and moody especially when I’m deep in thought or working on something and he tries to hug or kiss me. I find it annoying and distracting and plain rude. But I know I shouldn’t. I know he’s only trying to show me that he loves me and really if he doesn’t just ‘slip one in’ he’d probably never get any affection at all. I am amazed that he bothers to put up with me. I am the easiest person to bore. The very second I have nothing to do, that is it, I am bored and annoyed and must find something to occupy my thoughts.
Sound perfect to you?!
I wouldn’t be jealous. Seriously.
I am so tired of fighting for every inch forward in my life. I get not one scrap of support, I have no network.
In saying that, I guess I’d reject and offer of support anyway. It’s just how I am.
I feel like a kite trying to fly but I’ve got no wind, not even a breeze to give me guidance. And even those pretty, distracting bows are trying to pull me down.
I have spent the past 4 years so totally unselfish and giving that I now just want to scream and kick and say “MY TURN ALREADY!”
I have so much potential, my guts turn into knots when I think about sitting here wasting everything I have on the inside. I’ve got so much to offer, got so many plans and I just can’t get a break.
It simply annoys me how some people get things so easily, so unappreciative and greedy, everything’s handed to them on a silver platter without an ounce of effort. Makes me wonder why I have to try so hard.
Makes me feel so alone, but I know that’s how my life goes. This is how it is, it always has and I just need to shut the hell up, take a breath and ask the nothingness “Whats next?!”
I know that no one is going to even get what I’m saying and really I’m just venting so please don’t offer any words of sympathy because it will just make me feel stupid and pitied.
I just don’t know why I’ve been made the way I have. I wish I was content to just sit on the couch and watch Oprah, then mop the floor before a cup of tea, pick the kids up from school and feel like it’s been a productive day. I wish I was totally ok with doing only the motherly stuff and had no interest in anything else. I wish I didn’t think about anything. I wish that I could just be ok with each day as it is. I wish I had no ambition, no desire to do something for the ‘greater good’….and I don’t even know what that is?!?!?!
It’s just not me.
I’m stopping now. I’ll get over it.
I just wish that I didn’t feel like I was pushing against the current ALL THE TIME, it is tiring and disheartening. Am I just being rebellious of this thing called life? Is it me? Am I just doing it to myself?
I don’t know.
One day I’ll get to where I am going and I will look back and be thankful of emotions like this and how they helped shape who I am.
I know I will.
I just have to remember that.