***This post is nowhere near finished, but it’s already 2 days late and I can’t get the rest of my pictures to upload. ALSO…it is very annoying to read, I added captions to the pictures and it’s distractin…but you’ll see***
It is so completely coincidental that I was sitting with a cup of tea on our front steps this morning when suddenly I thought of how long I’d been blogging.
Probably had something to do with the guilt I’ve felt for not writing anything for a good week.
But I began this post with the heading ‘happy belated birthday blog’ only to then wonder what date I actually began, I looked back and found this link to yagerbabies.com’s first birthday.
The date it was written?
18th of January.
Needless to say I changed the heading. Today IS -well WAS when I began writing- the second anniversary of the day I wrote a post called ‘should I really be blogging this.’
And obviously I’m still not very knowledgable about this whole blogging business as I’m still using entire web addresses to direct people around the place instead of those cool links added into regular sentences!
Anyway….another year down and I’m still blown away that I’m still at it. Probably my longest ‘phase’ ever. But I’ve written throughout my life, it has always been a part of me, so it is probably one of the easier things for me to do.
It lets me express myself in ways nothing else can. And despite initial fears about what others may think, I am so glad I’ve done it and put it out there and am quite happy to continue.
There have been times when I have actually had thoughts of completely wiping my blog from the cyber world. Gone without a trace. I do occasionally feel that it gives the wrong ‘impression’ of us as a family or as me as an individual.
I have had emails and occasionally the odd comment that makes me wonder if yager babies is some people’s version of a weird reality television show and that is the part I don’t like all that much.
We are ACTUAL people.
In those moments when I’ve felt like that, I’ve tried to remind myself of the amazing stories my REAL yager babies will read some day.
I would have loved to have had something like this to remind me of my upbringing because all too often it’s the difficult or not so pleasant things that stay with us the longest.
This has been another big year and it actually makes me think of that saying ‘day by day nothing seems to change, but all of a sudden, everything is different.’ I’m not 100% sure if that’s exactly how it goes but that’s my interpretation. We never really sit back and see how far we have come as families, or as individuals.
Personally I know I have grown so much within this past year, I’ve come to terms with a lot about who I am and what I want to achieve as a being, not just as a career or as a mother or as a partner.
I’ve taken on a whole bunch of courses to help me further understand myself and people in general and not just in a ‘physical’ way but in a mental, spiritual and emotional way.
This year has meant a lot to us, we’ve done so many new things and re-visited old things.
There have been ups like moving into our dream home which oddly is exactly what I’d always hoped for us. A lovely lady commented on a post I’d written a long while ago and while I replied in a polite way, a couple of days later I actually read the post she’d commented on. It was a strange feeling to read back over dreams I’d had for our future, the one we are now living.
It was almost like I’d had a premonition of things to come.
Our big girls began a new school, a beautiful little school that focus’ on the individuals, allows them to be who they are. It’s like an extended family. Even our hilarious bus driver is a part of it, the girls look forward to seeing him each morning and I feel safe having him bring them to and from school.
Family has had much easier access to us and our kids, it’s so nice to be able to see people when we want to and not have to plan crazily expensive yearly ‘holidays’ to visit and keep in touch on a personal level.
Glen recently got a new car which he is in love with (and this is ONLY included because when I asked him what ‘big things’ happened this year…it was his only response!)
Molly has found her ‘voice’ which occasionally I wish she hadn’t, such a bossy little boots. Bella is budding into a little woman, which freaks me out completely and daily. Sophie’s quest to become a princess is growing deeper with her age…not fading away like I thought it might. I don’t mind one bit.
She really is a princess.
Violet has taken to rebelling against underwear AND shirts. The polar opposite of Miss Princess Sophie. But I love that too. She’s just being Violet.
Buddy was born purely to make me weak and defenceless, I know this now. He just has this way of making every single thing adorable.
I hate it. But I totally love it.
He’s the truest of loves. (In a non-weird way.)
(Besides Glen…who technically is more of a partner in crime.)
Buddy however I know will break my heart more than once in his lifetime. I know it but I’ll never be prepared for it.
My kids just keep on lifting me higher and then slamming me down. One minute I’m amazed at all the love and joy I have for them and then the very next I am amazed that they could make me so angry and sad.
Crazy emotional rollercoaster this parenting thing…then again I’ve never ever been on a rollercoaster so how would I know?
We have also had many downs. I guess the top one on my personal list would be ‘breaking up’ with my best friend earlier in the year. It utterly crushed me. Probably why I haven’t really mentioned anything about it, I just don’t want to think about it, I’m keeping all my positives to myself. I know that I hurt her with things I’d said and would love to apologise (so “sorry” if you ever read this) but I just can’t go back there and possibly get hurt again. It was not meant to be. We once had decided that we were ‘soul mates’ and possibly still are, but I rather like to think that perhaps we taught each other valuble things and not all is lost. I hold no anger, just understanding toward the situation.
I’m not the kind of person who has friends….I know that always gets taken the wrong way but I never feel like I just ‘fit.’ As much as I could be myself with my ex best friend there was always still just this part of me that could never be true.
One thing I NEED is to be true to me.
Being on my own means I can be just that.
And I am happy about it.
We also very sadly lost Glen’s beautiful Aunty Marie. I really loved that lady, she was so creative and honest. She’d just start randomly singing to the kids now and then. It’s just so hard to accept sometimes that someone is gone. I still remember the last time I saw her. She showed me a really pretty and clever embroidered cushion she’d made. She’d coloured it using melted crayon, she also gave me some ribbed material. I sat beside her chair on the carpet looking up at her as she explained how to sew it. I, nodding and trying to remember every scrap of information she was telling me, every word she said. But still I honestly thought I’d see her again. Not that I would ever have said goodbye. So I guess there never really would have been a perfect ‘last time.’
A soul like hers has much more work to do. We will meet again.
I prefer saying “hello.”
She also gave me some serving platters.
I use them at just about every meal, I don’t think Glen realises it. That kind of makes it all the more special, just a part of our daily routine which brings her back to mind.
For Glen to tell me Aunty Marie had passed away was a little unbelievable. We all knew she was unwell, but it felt too soon.
I am glad her suffering wasn’t prolonged but it felt…..just too soon.
My own mum had a skin cancer removed from her face. She didn’t even call me, I turned up at her house one day and saw that she had an odd line across her cheek. She told me she’d been to the doctor -which is extremely rare, and therefore must have been a big deal- and they’d booked her in for surgery the very next day. She laughed and smiled as she told me, I had a sinking feeling all the while. “How come you didn’t call me?!”
Mum has always, ALWAYS been out in the sun, she practically lived at the beach as a child, never ever wore sunscreen. I know this is where I get my bad habits. I’m trying to improve them with my own kids.
It made me realise, that no matter what my mum has ever done, or not done, said or not said. All must be forgiven. Right now, regardless of how much time any of us has. I need to let it all go. There is no changing the past only changing of the emotions associated with the past. She is my mum, not a super hero.
Being someones mum doesn’t automatically turn you into some magical ‘perfect’ creature….still merely human. Mistakes will be made and continue to be made. I don’t want my biggest mistake to be holding things against my mum because she simply was who she was.
After all….I do know there are a lot of things about me that I actually learnt from her.
And I am thankful.
This year we also lost our pets. Sweedie and Bones our two small dogs both succumbed to those deadly little paralysis ticks, we also lost our cheeky Mango and Frost to a rather large diamond python.
We almost lost Ollie to ticks to but miraculously he pulled through.
(Honestly I can’t think of all that much from before our big move. It’s kind of like we are here, in this present that was meant for us and it is all that exisits now.)
This year has held so many memories and I can only hope that I have captured even just a small amount of them here in my blog.
One very big thing I am realising is that our memories are all we are. Looking back at my own childhood, all I know is what I remember.
I wish I had more photos.
I wish I had more stories.
I’m glad my kids will have it all.
There will come a day when we will need to look back an assess our life, that time when it’s all too late. That time at the very end where all you want to do is cram in all the best life has to offer, all that time you wished you’d spent with loved ones and you’re wondering why you hadn’t done it all before.
Wondering why we waited until we knew it was too late.
I’d like to, on that day to be content in knowing that not one thing was left undone.
Not one thing was left unsaid.
I’d like to feel lazy and comfortable to sit back and watch internal sideshows of all these memories we’ve made. I want to feel at peace knowing that even if someday my kids do not have me, then they will have an abundance of memories to turn to.
No iPods or iPads, no cosmetics or cars, no Nintendo’s or Wii’s.
Nothing of monetary value at all.
It is the only true gift we can give our children that will help them carry their own heads high even when we aren’t their to help them.
Memories are priceless.
Thank you blog.
You are my memory for those moments when it will become weak, you are my voice for my children to hear when I am no longer there. You are my pain, my anger, my happiness and joy.
You’re becoming a living part of me.
A part that is going to keep growing and changing just as I.
Start a blog guys!
Seriously. I can’t wait to go back and read it all in 20 years time and think things like…woah, I’ve changed. Or wow…I was a douche….or hmph I haven’t changed at all.
All the birthdays, all the Christmases, birth’s….the whole lot is right here in one place.
I find it amazing.
Thank you to all my readers, you are seriously greatly appreciated!
Here’s to another year!