I was just skimming pinterest as I do over a coffee once the morning breakfast rush is over and I came across a quote which read…
“If you are not writing something worth reading, then you should be doing something worth reading.”
What turmoil this sent me into. Being the kind of person who is aware of the shortness of life and not wanting to waste even a moment of it, but on the other hand not wanting to rush on through it at the same time, creating an indistinguishable blur….but attempting to approach life in an almost lazily happy way, with the ability to float on through it making the most of all the seemingly mundane moments with just a twist of altered perception and a squeeze of appreciation.
Letting the slide-able slide knowing it’s not worth wasting my time or energy on.
But this quote reminded me….reminded me that PERSONALLY I don’t feel as though I’ve done either. I haven’t written anything worth reading in well over a year and nor do I feel as though I have DONE anything worth reading ABOUT….
And it isn’t so much that I would like to do amazing things simply to write about them. I mean sure it would be great to be a super amazing interesting person, but it would be nice to feel WITHIN MYSELF ALONE that I can be content with my lot…
What am I 72?….geeze….
I think I’m just at that imbalance again, and it would be nice to refocus back onto the important things.
To feel deep within that I’m doing something full of meaning and purpose and not just because each day comes and I have the ability to breathe so I may as well get up and appear to be living life.
Actually I know I am…..heck I am currently reading ‘Buddhism for mothers with lingering questions…’ honestly….as if the word ‘buddhism’ combined with the word ‘mother’ would transform my mind back into my placid, patient state.
It’s as if life has become superficial and skin deep….where’s the depth and meaning gone?….I’m tired of being a cranky -well my idea of a cranky- mother, I’m tired of mine and Glen’s conflicting views on parenting, as I am always right (it’s true…..I am….basically because I say so…I have no facts to support that claim….)I’m tired of supporting fights and causes that don’t really have any significance. I’m tired of being always in ‘the middle’ of something and then on completion of that something needing to find some other thing to occupy my mind….
I’m trying to listen to my meditation training (LOL worthy) and take each moment as it is, for the one before it is history and cannot be repeated and the one ahead of it is mere fantasy….it’s good as I’ve got the girls meditating too thinking we can all become relaxed, except Buddy doesn’t get the concept and it ends up turning into us trying to ignore Buddy who is laughing uncontrollably, running in and around us smacking us on the head yelling ‘GOOSE!’ and running away.
He thinks it’s just some really boring silent version of duck, duck, goose….
I’m trying to listen to all the lingering Buddha stuff….holy moly…I actually have to fend off children to have a moment to even read a paragraph…kind of defeats the purpose?!
It keeps telling me to find a quiet space and take a few moments….well thank you Zen Mother. I shall just throw some kind of sugary foods over my shoulder that my children will no doubt devour like vicious beasts…as I run off into the bush to take my well-earned few ‘quiet moments’, but alas, they’ll smell the traces of that sugar in my very pores and hunt me down like apocalyptic zombies with the scent of flesh in their nostrils.
And I can’t climb trees like Katniss.
There are plenty of things I can blame my imbalance on like wanting to complete my course and be as effective and as efficient as possible afterwards, I’d like to lose some weight (as always) before my 30th in September. I feel bad that our healthy eating is completely out the window (again!) I just want my kids to be healthy! Is it too much to ask? Apparently. It frustrates me that my house is always a mess no matter how many hours I spend on the frontline trying to defend my surfaces from junk and stuff. I wish Glen would actually understand well…me and what my life is actually like. I’m tired of never having enough time and yet somehow I always feel like I’m wasting it on pointless things.
I’d like to be IN THE MOMENT but recently I can’t help but dream of life ‘after children’…actually that’s not right, more like ‘life after children are not so dependant on me and I can go to work like an ordinary person and actually do something that I can literally say is for me.’
But then my day dreams of dropping happy kids at school, with a coffee in hand, turning up to my little business, meeting clients in a relaxed atmosphere, going to the toilet minus the midget audience/husband laughing as he jiggles the door knob….having lunch like an adult, by myself and not sharing AT ALL!…..are totally dashed once I decide to be realistic about it.
I am a dreamer, but the sadistic part of my mind always pipes up “Cristie, you’re an idiot. You do know it won’t be all calm and happy, it will be rushed and frantic, getting kids ready on time AND yourself, then making sure your appointments don’t go over time so you’re not late PICKING UP the kids, making them afternoon tea……do you honestly think your family will chip in to keep the house clean or the food supply going?…..will they even support you and take you seriously or will they act as if this is just something fun I do all day and therefore SHOULD work harder when I get home? Are you even going to be able to FIND clients to begin with?”
Yes, yes…thank you mind. Shush it.
So now my fantasies have been converted into nightmares.
Could I possibly think I could do all that I currently do and then ADD a full-time job to that?…
So does that then mean I quit all attempts?
And if I did…..when would I try to ‘be me’ again?….when my son is 20?…
(and how come I can’t accept ‘me’ as the person who is everything to everyone else and nothing to me?) ((ps….should I?))
Well that’s only 17 years away and I pray that he is self-sufficient by then….
(I get too dramatic…)
Though I have noticed that my ‘thinking’ forehead wrinkle is getting more prominent than my ‘smile’ eye lines.
That’s not good.
I know that I need to literally stop thinking and accept each day as a new one. I need to not over think my actions before I act on them.
Should I exercise? …..and without thinking about how boring, or how hard or how tired I am…. I just should.
Should I clean?…don’t think about how much I hate it and how pointless it is….just do.
Should I be nice to Glen?….hmm…okay fine. Maybe he’ll be nicer to me in return?
Should I allow the kids that extra piece of cake?…they’ll eat it tomorrow anyway. Just have it.
Can they watch a movie?…yep.
Do I need to sleep in on Sunday?…there’s a lifetime of Sundays to come. Just get up.
Will my business succeed? It won’t if I don’t even try. So I’ll try.
Will I get clients? Only if I work hard enough to gain them. So I will.
So my biggest issue is me. I know that. We ALL know that. I am my biggest enemy.
I’m glad I had this chat with myself.
So how will I fix this? I won’t ‘fix’ anything I will just accept it. Re group my thoughts and refocus my energy onto things that require it, not things that drain it. My over analysis (and lack of tree climbing) is getting to me.
So, I may not currently have the time to write anything worth reading but I know that I could be transforming even the most boring of moments into times I can look back on and know I could handle reading it….
A mother of 5 in turmoil over reading a handful of words, struggling to keep her sanity while her children and husband seem determined to tear it away from her. She’s fighting each day to keep her essence alive, some shred of who she is so that one day long into the future she can grow old and be that weird one in the nursing home peering out the window on a rainy day with a smirk on her face, she doesn’t need to speak, the stories float past her pale watery eyes…always a smirk on her face as if reminiscing about a wonderful life lived.
Hell….I’d read that. Even if no one else wanted to.
I’m off to go begin a new chapter, stress and turmoil and all.