A good parent would never accidentally drop a portion of their child’s meal onto the floor when serving dinner and think ‘eh, he’s two and eats germs all the time anyway…’ placing the food back on the plate. Calling him to the table “COME ON dinner time…it’s extra special tonight!” (mmm….nature encrusted.)
- A good parent wouldn’t shave their legs while having a shower with a toddler whose playing bakery on the bottom. Rinsing the razor unthinkedly….opps too late, soapy stubble racing down their little back. (They’ll never know.)
- A good parent doesn’t use words that they made up. eg ‘unthinkedly’ regardless of how awesome and necessary they are.
- Good parents never answer the question “is it hard being a mum?’ with “no, it’s not. It’s wonderful.” and then yells at said children to clean their rooms.
- Good parents try to dress their children at least once a day. If not they will have to ‘train’ their kids to WEAR clothes…..harder than toilet training…..so I’ve heard. But I’m not sure. Because obviously I am a good parent. Whose son is always perfectly clean AND clothed. *eye roll* possible *thumb twiddle*
- A good parent doesn’t ‘pass wind’ or as we like to call it in our family “FART..HAHAHAHAHA” when sleeping head to toe with their child during lounge room camp outs. Seriously, they are already happily snuggled up cheek pressed to dry cracked old heels; there is no need to project gaseous poop particles in their direction.
- Good parents never force their child to love them. for example….
parent – “I love you.”
child – “…..”
parent – “do you love muma?”
parent – “do you love muma? Say “yes muma.””
child -” yes muma.”
parent – “aww…I love you. Say “I love you muma.””
child – “I love you muma.”
parent – “AWWWW! I love you too baby!!!”
- A good parent doesn’t make delicious snacks that their kids can’t wait to eat and then announce “let’s have a picnic!” forgetting completely that they have a dozen chickens and four dogs. You could almost hear the silent cries of ‘why must you punish us like this?!’ as the yummy food they’ve so patiently waited for is devoured by frenzied animals.
- A good parent never agrees to everything. Such as..
child – “Am I a princess?’
parent – “yes.”
child – “A REAL princess?”
parent – “yes.”
2 days later…
Child – “My friends hate me! I’m not a real princess! And they won’t bow!!!’
- A good parent never makes a negative-ish comment toward their pre-teen without some kind of self depreciating comment to follow.
parent – “Your hair is really oily. Could you please wash it?’
child – *DEATH STARE*
parent -“I don’t mean it in a bad way, I just remember when I was your age and no one told me my hair was oily I walked around glistening in the sunlight, I just want to help you.”
child – “you had greasy hair?”
parent – “yes it was really bad.”
Child – “hahahahahahaha, I’ll go wash my hair.”
parent – *cries with shame*
parent – “can you please stop wearing that playsuit I bought you when you were 7? It looks like you’re wearing an underpants suit.”
child – *DEATH STARE*
parent -“well it does.”
child – *scoff….death stare continues…*
parent – “like big granny panties sewn to a singlet…seriously…”
child – “I’ll change…*growl*”
Honestly…..I couldn’t come up with anything better, I just never wore anything that give me massive wedgies on purpose…I couldn’t relate.
- A good parent probably never blogs about their child’s wedgies.
- Good parents should avoid saying things like “if I worked like that in my job I’d be fired.” In regards to child and house chores, the usual response is either ‘where’s my money?’ OR ‘please fire me then.’
- a good parent never teaches their children to do the laundry work, because if they do they run the risk of anything ‘wet’ being ‘dried’ in the dryer regardless of cleanliness. If you wonder why all your clean towels smell of urine precisely at that moment you dry your face with it after a nice hot rejuvenating shower…. it might be because your two-year has decided to dry his ‘wet’ bed sheets, skipping the ‘silly’ washing step. What a good child.
- Good parents don’t threaten to cut their children’s hair when they complain about having it brushed. example…
parent – ‘”stay still and let me brush your hair or I’ll cut it off.”
child – “okay cut it off.”
parent – “Well… I will! But I just don’t feel like it right now.”
child – “no need to brush it then….”
parent – “you suck……”
- Good parents don’t raise smart children, because they end up SMARTER than you.
- Good parents do not correct their children or they run the risk of irreparable damage. eg…
child- “Ouch! I have peanut noodles in my legs!”
parent – “I think you mean pins and needles.”
child – “Pins and NEEDLES?!”
parent – “not real ones….”
child – “I have PINS AND NEEDLES…..IN. MY. LEGS?!”
parent – “no, no….oh god…..”
- A good parent tells the truth about pets who’ve passed away or they must remember to keep up the ‘she ran away and lives with a wonderful loving family now’ routine for years….like seriously YEARS!….8 to be exact…and counting.
- A good parent would keep gossipy relationship talk between adult friends private or when your budgie is squawking and you ask “what are you cranky about bird?” you may have a small child pipe up “leave him alone! He’s talking to his woman.”
- A good parent shouldn’t promise their children specific pets to take with them when they ‘move out.’ Especially when said parents have a bad habit of not have an equal ratio of pets to children.
- Good parents don’t nod and agree with 4 year-olds who ask if they can get their belly button pierced when they’re 6. They actually TURN 6 and they REMEMBER!
- Good parents never mumble sly remarks under their breath like “liar” at the mums on the neurfon commercial who claim a teething temper tantruming child is the most glorious thing in the world. Don’t talk to TV’s. Just don’t.
- And finally and MOST importantly….. good parents never tell people about all the un-good parenting they do.
It seriously is the KEY to being a good parent. Do NOT admit a thing.
To be a good parent means to be silent about how bad you really are and ensure that you ONLY highlight those rare moments when you actually think you know what you’re doing.
I hope this has helped all those sub standard parents I know.