Happy.

I’m not sure if anyone has noticed…but one of my life goals is to reach a point of contentedness.

To me happiness, means being content because unlike being just happy, being content is a way of life.

Not just a flimsy emotion.

I search for it and work towards it everyday.

So in having said all that, it’s no surprise that when I came across a documentary called ‘Happy’ I had to watch it. I found it so interesting, some of which I knew, other parts I took on board.

I found it so amazing that for hundreds of years the study of depression and unhappiness has been at the fore front of psychology studies, a physiologists job was to rid people of their problems and ‘sadness’ and yet couldn’t offer a scrap of insight into how to be happy.

It is now becoming a very popular topic of study -which is nice to hear!-

The docco covered many different people’s lives and their levels of happiness. I found it amazing, and saddening.

Let’s begin with Japan. Mainly because it shocked me and made me appreciative of our life here in Australia. After world war 2 Japan was left ravaged, the government sent about employing every able-bodied person to help re-build their country, they instilled in everyone, even the children, that a very strong work ethic is the most valuable quality any person can have.

Their achievements amazed the world.

Now they live in a world where, when asked in the street what is the most important thing in life, they respond “work.” and “working hard.” One man who was questioned randomly remembered that it was his birthday and then was asked how his wife and family felt about him spending the day with his colleagues, he replied “She understands that work is more important. I will see them tomorrow.”

While the camera pans out over the city, I cannot see any glimpse of green, not one tree, not one flower. Just a mass of seething bodies hurrying along. No one talking, no one laughing. Heads down, brief case burdened and trudging along.

Again scenes of the subway where people are cramming themselves into the cars, no one says a word, everyone’s eyes are blank and pushing forward. People who are clearly exhausted and worn down are slumped over, sleeping among the strangers who all look simply depressed.

Their ‘strong work ethic’ is killing people. literally.

They are collapsing and their hearts are stopping.

Dying of ‘stress’ is becoming common place.

They’ve given it a name which is ‘Karoshi.’

The story of one mother was so saddening. Her husband worked so much that her 3-year-old daughter wouldn’t recognise him when he came home, all this little girl wanted to do was play with her daddy when he came home but he was simply exhausted. Then one day while at work, on a day a little more stressful than others, he collapsed. His heart stopped beating in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

He was in his early 40’s.

These people have no time to laugh with their kids, no time to stroll among the trees, or go for a picnic.

It is disgusting. Yes, their country may be advanced. But at the cost of people’s lives?

It reminded me of just an army of working ants.

Meaningless people. They don’t even seem to have a place except in some production line obsessed with advancing their country’s power and knowledge. Not one enjoying a scrap of life, they’re raised in apartments packed on top of each other like sardines and probably never climbed a tree or even had a chance to scrape their knees while riding bikes…..raised to work.

Work to death.

Each step of their life is planned. Born, educated, work, marry, house, child -which I’m sure they assume will bring great joy until they realise that they never see that child while working- die. Most are ‘successful’ in their lives. Make a lot of money, is what that translates to….but for what?

It is so sad.

Is there any enjoyment in their lives at all I wonder?

They may be rich but at what cost, and does being rich make them smile?

Not that I saw.

And whats the point in so much money when you’ve got not a chance to use any of it?

Funnily enough another man whose life was monitored was named Manojo who lived in a slum in Kolkuta was rated among the most content of people.

His life was far from those in Japan, he lived in a ‘house’ which was merely a frame covered with a tarp. It provided shelter from the sun and was what he called a “nice home.’ Everyday he woke before the sun to head into the city where he worked as a rickshaw driver…..basically a ‘horse’ for a carriage in which he is paid to take passengers to and from around the city. He does this in the hottest part of summer where his bare feet burn and in the coolest parts of the monsoon where he is soaked to the bone most of the time.

He doesn’t earn much and sometimes he and his family eat only salted rice for dinner.

He describes his life as full and joyful.

The highlight of everyday is when on his way home he meets his son Who calls out “BABA!” excitedly from the tea shop where he waits for him. He is surrounded by neighbours and children, which he says is a big part of his contentedness. They share and generally look out for each other. He calls them his friends, his family.

In the studies done it showed that Manojo’s levels of happiness where in some cases actually higher than that of an average American.

Something I believe is that the less you have, the less you have to lose. The less you have to lose the less you stress about ‘protecting’ what you feel you need to retain.

Maybe this is the case for Manojo? He earns what he needs to feed and shelter his family and spends his time surrounded by loved ones.

Another woman interviewed was really touching, she was a typical ‘supermum’ she was and always had been beautiful in appearance, she was popular and seemed to have it all, married, raising 3 children. Everyone wanted to know her and be around her, she had the life everyone else envied.

Until one day she was run over by a truck.

For almost 10 years she was practically disabled. Her husband divorced her and became an alcoholic, her face horribly disfigured has undergone 33 surgeries and may need more in the future. During her traumatic experience, horrific memories of her father sexually abusing her as a child came to light. Her entire life was unravelled.

No one wanted to be around her anymore. She was no longer beautiful. She wasn’t married any more and all those superficial things she once thought were important were gone. She only had herself.

She contemplated suicide. Telling herself that she’d wait until next week as the kids needed her at the moment.

Eventually, finally, through it all she came to realise that her life was more important than just being a pretty face, she was more valuable than a fancy car or ‘appearing’ to ‘have it all.’

She now embraces life, accepts all of her life and what has happened, she now works with other people who’ve experienced trauma.

She says “I have never ever felt so whole and content in my life as I do now.”

She also met a man who asked her the hard questions like “What’s it like to go from being beautiful to not?” he’s honest and kind and loves her. He thinks she’s a beautiful person.

They got married.

His name is ‘Happy.’

Just about brought tears to my eyes.

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Things in this documentary that further interested me is the divide of people and the way they think happiness works.

There are 2 kinds of people…

1. The kind of people who thinks happiness is and external factor. That happiness is  derived from popularity and their status among others. They also think that wealth and things will bring them happiness. They hold materialistic objects high on their list of things to ‘obtain’ to become happy. They want to be popular, attractive and wealthy.

2. These are the people who think happiness comes from internal places. That happiness and contentedness comes from family and loved ones. From helping others and putting others before themselves and from giving rather than receiving.

The funny part is that these two types of people in everyday life conflict.

For example, I personally think I am in group two and simply cannot understand how someone who has a fancy car just because they wanted to impress the neighbours could be happier than I who laughs openly with her family yet has an everyday second-hand only car -which she loves.-

And vice versa, those in group one may think I am strange for not placing any value on cars, houses, or materialistic things, they are confused as to why ‘giving things away’ or volunteering can offer happiness.

I find those concerned with things and objects rather than people shallow and superficial while those who do, may look at me and think I am flippant and ignorant for placing a higher value on loved ones than on owning a nice big house.

Someone like me would say ‘Don’t worry about it.’ If one of the kids spilt something on the carpet, because I feel it is not a life altering event. But the external happiness seekers would probably rant and rave about the price it will cost to have the stain removed.

There is this thing termed a hedonic treadmill, what it means is that we think that something like a new car, or even a wedding day will bring us so much joy and happiness that it will last a lifetime when in reality, while it may bring happiness, it does not last forever. It is only momentary, just like when bad things happen to us. We think we’ll be devastated forever, but it just isn’t the case.

This hedonic treadmill is used to describe our need for more. Once we gain a new car, or have our wedding, while we are happy in the moment, it begins to fade once we ‘get used to it’ so then we are seeking our next ‘want.’ Once we obtain our next want, a second car, or new house, we will become used to that too and seek more and more to keep us ‘happy.’

A vicious cycle or wanting and obtaining and wanting more and more.

Studies showed that the difference in earnings did not increase happiness either. Those who live on the streets who began generating money, of course their happiness increased once their basic needs were met.

But the study went on to show that once our basic needs like shelter and food were met that happiness levels remained the same. There was no difference of happiness of people earing $50,000 a year to those earning $5 million a year.

It proved that owning ‘things’ didn’t increase happiness.

Now let me tell you of a man named Roy who lives in Louisiana on the banks of a bayou. He has barely any money, but spends his spare time out on the water, watching the wildlife and listening to the natural sounds. He comes home to where he shares a free meal of crab which he and his family laughed and had fun catching right on their doorstep. He laughs with aunts and uncles, sisters and brothers.

Strong connections with loved ones.

Again another man named Ronaldo who lives in a  tiny shack on the beach where he rescues baby birds to raise until they can fly, who also surfs everyday, says “Why make heaps of money when you have no time to dream or hope?” “Why go to bed each night unable to sleep because you’re worried about bills that need to be paid tomorrow?”

He also teaches his children that they should aim to “work so that they can live their life in tranquility.”

I totally agree!

A mansion won’t make me happy especially the overwhelming pressure of having to find the money to pay for it each and everyday of my life, but strolling along the beach with my kids in the afternoon stress free knowing that while we may not have the most magnificent house, we do have a roof over our heads and I don’t have to be working 24 hours a day to pay for it…. would.

The cost of ‘maintaining’ our dream life is stressful.

There were scary parts to this docco too. Like the fact that dopamine, which is the chemical released when we’re happy, is then received by things called synapse. These synapse from as early as our teenage years begin to decrease. They do not regenerate. And they can die from lack of use. If there is no dopamine to be received then over time they die off.

If we have too little of these synapse, it results in Parkinson’s disease.

Being genuinely happy and content is a part of being healthy.

We need to release that dopamine people! To keep our synapse from dying.

Remember I mentioned about the Japanese and their highly stressed and pressure filled lives are leading to premature death, well there is this other country called Bhutan,  this country does not follow the rest of the world focussing on economic growth.

They believe that “humanity needs a higher goal than that of GDP (gross national product), and that is gross national happiness. (GDH)”

They’re trying to find what will make their people not rich, but happy.

They’re allowed to play, the young and old, they are allowed to put family first.

The government of Bhutan is actively taking control and aiming, on the behalf of their citizens for a happy nation. They have laws like “60% of Bhutan must always remain forest.” This is a country rich in resources but instead of taking advantage of the land, they are thinking about the people not the money first. If they build a damn, homes must be moved, if they mine, then monasteries and school will need to close.

They place a value on people and their well-being.

Their values are totally different to Japan is the first noticeable thing.

They want peacful long term goals for humanity, not the economy.

They value family, they value friendships, they are not seeking to become an economic success or tech geniuses….their government is aiming for long happy lives for their citizens…..now in hearing that, doesn’t it make you wonder what our government wants for us?….Earn money? Be busy, busy workers?….for what?!

Another place where happiness is rated the highest is Denmark. Why?

Because all Danish people are granted free education through to college and free healthcare for life. They also have a thing called co-housing communities. Really it makes me think of communes, only these are large buildings where each family has their own space but is only centimetres from others, children grow and learn and play communally, adults share the work load between cooking and cleaning.

Everyone has someone.

It covers the story of one woman who was newly divorced and had only herself and two small children so she moved into the co-housing to avoid being isolated and to gain support. Her and her children never want to leave.

The children have responsibilities, and access to the elderly who treat them like grandchildren. The kids openly giggle and feel loved knowing that if they get hurt someone will always come running, related or not.

A more relaxed and simple life it seems to be a good thing.

I’m not suggesting we be ‘lazy’ which is what we’re raised to believe of people who don’t work. I suggest we work hard, damn hard, for ourselves, our children and for others. In ways that create happiness, ways that create contentedness.

Ways that benefit our community.

Scrap goals like ‘own a house by 25.’

‘be married by 30.’

‘Buy brand new car by 35.’

“Be a millionaire by 50.”

How about trading them for

“Help others.”

“Give.”

“Care.”

“Laugh with my family.”

“Offer a lending hand.”

“Be compassionate and kind.”

Personally I cannot comprehend why someone needs a $100,000 car compared to a $10,000 one. Glen explains it to me by saying that a more expensive car must be better and in the long run won’t cost as much in repairs.

I totally disagree.

I know exactly what would happen if we had a$100,000 car. People would ask about it. People would assume we were rich. People do those kinds of things. Some want this and think it will make them happy.

I don’t want people thinking we’re wealthy. I don’t want people thinking anything except “Oh they’re nice.” After literally talking to us.

Being a wealthy person should be from gaining a richness of character.

It makes no sense to me. Yes we need a car, no we don’t need a pricey one. Yes we need to get to and from places. But no, we don’t need to do it in ‘style’ and therefore create more stressful debt while at it.

Debt is one of the things that saddens most of us apparently. Debt is the taking of freedom from someone.

I cannot travel here or there, I cannot take time to just be with family, I cannot even begin a family depending on my ability to repay money I owe?! The pressure involved if one loses their job and needs money now, now, now!

Or if an accident occurs and all of a sudden everything is lost.

The owing of money places stress on relationships.

You know what I noticed most about the people who were content as opposed to those who were not?

Their wrinkles and their eyes.

The ‘happy’ people had so many smile lines and those happy little wrinkles that come from ‘sunshine eyes.’ Like they’d spent a lifetime giggling. Their eyes were sparkling, there was something that kind of sucked you in and made you smile simply because they were.

They had a soul, they had peace within, they seemed lighter, a little bit floaty like they could begin to dance at any moment.

Those who were not ‘happy’ had deep creases across their brow, obvious frowns appeared even when they tried to smile weakly, their eyes seemed hollow and dull.

They fidgeted.

Those were the people who made me want to cry.

Yet they all had great jobs, nice cars, big houses, married to beautiful people whom they probably didn’t like.

But they were hollow.

Hollow and so heavy like they were trudging through life unwillingly.

People probably envy them for their ‘idyllic’ lifestyles, but to those who lived it? They were stressed, under pressure, some on drugs to control their moods. Constantly concerned with what everyone thought of them.

Some of the happiness most joyous times in my life have been when I’ve been oblivious to others. The movie mentioned that when we forget our ego we are free to be our authentic self and I believe it to be true.

I know from experience that the most contented I’ve ever felt is when I have switched off my ‘I wonder what everyone else thinks’ and just done or said what I wanted without for thought, without fear of other people’s judgments.

When I danced around bonfires singing at the top of my lungs. I didn’t make eye contact with anyone because I didn’t do it for anyone except me. I thought it was fun and freeing so I just did it.

For me.

When I’ve sat quietly within nature and watched birds fly by.

Watched the sun create beautiful works of art as it passes the sky over the ocean.

Collected pretty stones and shells half hidden in the sands.

When I’m standing bare footed, toes curling into the dirt and crunchy leaves, eyes closed, sun pouring down onto my shoulders and the warm toastiness…. it gives me shivers, the silent yet noisy bush humming around me….

When I’ve sat for hours on end with my sister and brother laughing over the stupidest fake accents in the world!!!

Eating with our fingers and laughing at the messiness of it all.

Food fights, singing badly, being idiots in general, wearing masks in a public place, now that was fun and we weren’t the only ones laughing! People laughed at us, with us….tears streaming down our faces.

I simply cannot remember a single time where I enjoyed myself as much and money had been involved.

NEVER!

My joy, my contentedness, my happiness has always come from those I love.

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The common factors of those who were genuinely, right to their core happy and not just appearing to be so was;

1. Nature. Being outdoors in the fresh air. Either to eat, dance, surf, swim, stroll, jog….anything outside in the natural environment. I mean it makes sense. We are animals after all, we are creating artificial enclosures for ourselves everyday. Have you ever seen the pure sadness in the eyes of a chimp in a zoo?….Thats what we’re doing to ourselves. We’re creatures of nature and for some reason we’re depriving ourselves of it.

2. A sense of belonging. Mostly with their loved ones. A community feel where you know your accepted just as you are. No strings attached. Just because.

3. To help others. There was a man named Andy, on that docco who had spent his life studying and working hard to become a banker and computer manager, he was very ambitious and wanted to be the youngest bank manager in his region, he was wealthy saying he was “spoilt and wasted a lot of money” he was into fashion, concerned with what everyone thought of him until one day the pressure got to him. He gave it all up to live and volunteer in one of Mother Theresa’s homes for the dying where they take in people left in the streets who are ill and on death’s door, they give them basic needs like water, food, warmth and compassion. He said he has never in his life felt so fulfilled and content. Giving.

4. Physical activity. This is the one that helps release lots those important dopamine chemicals. The more fun you have the better! In California they have a ‘gorilla run” where people dress as gorilla’s and run through the streets. How stupid and funny and fun would that be?! Imagine the fits of laughter at the sheer pointlessness of it all? And those who are watching?

Sounds like my kind of exercise!

5. People who could laugh at themselves and had no concern for what others thought of them. They’d ‘forget their ego.’

6. They had hobbies to immerse themselves in. Not for any kind of purpose except for enjoyment.

7. Those people who can recover from incidents quickly. For example when I kick my toe, it angers me and I’ll yell “Damnit.” But I realise that anything more than that is not beneficial. Glen on the other hand will kick his toe and rant for hours about how the world hates him. (hahaha) Those who can recover quicker are happier. Well…der.

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This is turning out to be a massive essay!

I find happiness/contentedness to be very important not only to me but to you as well. I don’t think there is anything sadder than someone who is sad but trying their hardest to hide it with a continual need for ‘things’ sorry to say it but it is usually fairly obvious too. And horribly….most of us live like this! I know I have too, sometimes still do. But to live a life of ‘wanting’ is going to get us nowhere.

I only hope this post gives more of an insight into what really does and does not affect our long-term goal of being happy and being content, not only to look forward into the future, but right now. I mean we all aim to be happy….dream that someday we will be happy but what does that mean? When is that day exactly? When you get that great job? Then once you do you realise that it hasn’t made you happy? Glen gets bored with his job regularly….I try to put things into perspective for him….Some men would kill to do what he does, he has had the opportunity to drive some of the biggest machinery on Earth. Not everyone can just decide to do what he can. But he can’t see it from outside. He only sees it from his perspective.

Circumstance, meaning income, job, where we live only makes up 10% of our happiness levels!!! Amazing….50% of our happiness make up is genetic, we have a high and low range and generally fall somewhere in the middle of our genetic range. The last 40% is made up of our choices. This is the area that we can work on to determine our levels of being content and happy.

(nothing to do with purchases!)

We are told that circumstance is what makes us happy, by the government, by our parents…..we even sadly teach it to our own children. That they will be happy one day when they have a house, job, wife and kids….will they? We can’t promise that.

10 freaking per cent!!!

Not much, we need to look at the bigger picture and stop feeding our kids this crap we’ve been feeding ourselves for so long. Marriage, children, fancy jobs, nice houses, brand new cars????

We need to look at that massive 40% and ask ourselves what really makes us happy?! I like children. They make me smile, their innocence the way they can tell you that you’re wearing an ugly dress when no one else has the guts, too makes me smile. The way they can sit and ogle at a lady bug for hours with pure interest on their faces…makes me smile. I like to make things, to make something from old stuff that others deem unworthy, makes me smile….to then see someone else take an interest and see the beauty of something that once upon a time no one wanted until I did a couple of things to it?! MAKES ME SMILE! Listening to happy songs and twirling with a baby in my arms….yes you guessed it. MAKES ME SMILE!

None of that costs me a thing and I can enjoy it any moment I want to.

I would prefer to live in a box on the side of the street with a smile on my face than in a mansion with a hollow heart.

Just ask yourself…do I NEED this to survive?

Most of the time the answer will be no.

We need to stop it. We need to stop now. This horrible need to compete with everyone.

To have lots of stuff around us, yet nothing inside at all.

A better house does not mean a better person. A cool car does not mean a cool person. A married person does not equal a stable person.

I personally would hate to be judged on what I ‘own’ instead of who I am.

I’d still be me, in that cardboard box on the side of the street.

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 Go talk to some elderly people in a nursing home. Shake someones hand and say hello. Offer to carry something for someone struggling. Give that homeless man $2 if your concerned about his habits, he can’t get drugs or drink for that much but he can get a burger. Help your neighbour move house. Offer to cook them a meal if they’re sick.

Money comes and goes.

Being kind is a way of being. Being kind makes us happy.

The Dali lama says “Compassion is in our veins. It is taught to us from our mother the very first time she feeds us from her breast. We do not know who this person is but she is giving to me, not by law, not because of religious teachings but because it is nature. Compassion is in our nature.”

It just makes me wonder where and why and when we decide to turn our backs on humanity to pursue our own selfish materialistic ‘wants.’

There is a little place in the world called Okinawa-which is actually a small island off Japan- its the place where most people live to be 100 years plus. So if a long life reflects happiness this is where the happiest people must be, they have a little saying  which is “Icharibachode” it means that when you meet someone, that they are a sister or brother even if they are meeting for the very first time, they have no malicious thoughts. It was inspiring to see this large group of  very old people looking as if they were still in their 60’s giggling and laughing, joking with one another. One woman mentioned that she has no family but is happy because everyone is her family, people look after her and she is loved. The elderly all meet each afternoon for tea and laughs a their local community centre. They say “Monchu” which translates to “One family.” And these people really mean it, when one family suffers tragic loss, they whole community comes out. They all feel it, they no longer bury their dead but instead cremate their loved ones and the ashes are then placed into a communal coffin. Ashes mixing.

They’ll never be alone.

Always with family.

“Monchu.”

 And I think it is a great way to live. I personally talk to strangers as if I’ve known them for years, as if we are already friends. I know that sometimes it comes across the wrong way, but everyone is a long-lost friend of mine.

I have a genuine belief that we are all equal.

If your house and mine burned down, took our clothes and all… we would be nothing but two naked beings. What makes me or you better than one or the other?

The ability to offer a hand.

I think being content is one goal we all should have in life. And in order to be content we need to be able to stand as one equally, without competition, be open, honest, helpful and caring.

Live a long healthy life with all those beautiful ‘sunshine eyes’ that sparkle with life and lightness.

Let’s laugh and dance like we’re the only one on Earth.

Let’s just be happy ok?….It’s important.

What are we doing ladies?

Last night I went out, I plastered that fact everywhere so if for some strange reason you didn’t know. Well now you do.

It was a fun fashion parade to raise money for cancer, which considering my grandmother and my aunt have passed away from that very same thing, so I was happy to be there supporting the cause.

I had a ball!

Not one of the ladies who modelled for the parade were anywhere close to the cat walk models we see on tv. But I smiled away. I was so darn proud of these confident women in many sizes and shapes flaunting what THEY’VE got, proudly. Not all were perfectly tanned, not all were thin, yet each one was beautiful in her own right.

I kept thinking how fun it would be to be modelling those clothes, they were mucking around and having so much fun. They were inspirational.

“You go girls!”

But then I looked around.

It was clear that not everyone had similar thoughts. I could see women pointing and gossiping, pointing out what they didn’t like about each and everyone.

Not many but there were some.

Totally human nature, but I doubt any of the ones who had something to say would have had the guts to do what those ladies were doing. I felt a little sad that they were possibly intimidated by them.

I felt annoyed because they had no right to pass judgement. Us women pass judgment on EVERYTHING too, clothes, bodies, babies! The works!

At the end of the day, if there were no models, there would have been no fashion parade which is why we were there.

What are we doing ladies?!

How come it is so hard for some of us to just be happy for others, especially other women? How come we can’t compliment someone if we think something nice about someone.

And how come if we aren’t 100% happy with ourselves we think we have the right to try and bring others who have mastered that tough task, down?

I’m that weirdo who tells you how beautiful your hair is in the pub toilets! I love random comments from random people and if I think someone is pretty, stunning, cute or whatever; I know that even if they think I’m a weirdo, they’ll have a little smile.

There is something about saying something nice to someone you don’t know that makes you feel good too. Much nicer than the feeling of envy bubbling away in our bellies.

It’d be so nice if we could all start supporting each other, rather than competing or judging. We cop so much as it is, we strive so hard to be acceptable to the opposite sex that somewhere along the lines we’ve become cat fighting idiots! Why not instead of seeing a lady with nice hair and hating her because you ‘think’ it is better than your own, just say ‘Hey you’ve got really nice hair.’ Sadly though the usual repsones is “Really? oh I’m having so much trouble with it!” or the likes.

It’s hard to give a compliment and hard for us to accept them!

(we have problems….)

We NEED to start boosting each other up!

I think the first step to being able to do this and do it genuinely -as it’s obvious when it isn’t- is to be comfortable with one’s self. Accept who you are and what you’ve got, even if your not totally happy about everything, just accept that this is you and you like it all, if you can not handle love yet. Because no matter who you are there will always be someone who wants something of what you’ve got. Be it your funny personality, your awesome legs, your pretty eyes.

Everyone’s got something someone else wants.

But it’ll never happen. You can’t have her hair, her boobs, her teeth.

You’re you, and seriously YOU are beautiful.

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So dress dramas, I didn’t know whether to wear the coral one I’d specifically bought for the event or an old fun favorite. And then, I dug just that little bit further into my mess of a cupboard and found a tiny little satin, strapless black dress I’d worn on my 25th birthday (YES, amazingly I fit into it again!) So I had 3 dresses and a world of pain trying to work out the pros and cons of each.

I’d ask Glen which one he liked as I tried them on, and I could tell by just the look on his face which one he liked best -yet wouldn’t want me out in it- which one he thought was good and which was the best choice.

I ended up going for the coral knee-length, slouchy neckline specifically bought dress; I also went for the nipple high maternity undies -just to give Glen peace of mind- It was the easiest to dance in, long enough to ensure me plenty of coverage should I somehow fall and I could re-attach the straps to my bra, which god knows I need nowadays.

Anyway, easily distracted. After seeing how some of those women were, I am glad I went for the dress I did, even though I am sure that if someone felt the need to judge me or say something about me that they would regardless, but I felt like I hadn’t fed their critical nature with the choice I made.

I was comfortable, and had a ball.

A friend of mine and I started the dancing, it was past mid night and everyone was standing on the edges of the dance floor awkwardly bopping just a little around the sidelines.

ERGH! so frustrating, they want it, you can see it in their eyes, they wanted to get out there and pull out some awesome and not so awesome moves. I dragged my pal and we proceeded to box waltz in the very middle.

It was like a huge ‘PHEW…’ was let out and then 10 million people joined us.

Why are we like this?!

We are so darn paranoid about what people are going to say or do, really who cares?! We feel like the whole world is watching our every move, sadly we aren’t that important and everyone thinks the same thing.

I know I have wasted a heck of a lot of time being concerned with what people thought of me, or what I did. I finally feel like I’ve reached a point where I can be me, all the way.

I’m as me, as I can be.

This may sound totally wrong, but I just no longer care what anyone thinks of me.

It is like a little bit of mental and emotional freedom.

And it is so not scary anymore.

Ladies, just a little note to you. Be true to yourself. Look at yourself with new eyes, we are beautiful each and every one of us, in our own ways. Someone will ALWAYS want something you’ve got and vice versa. Say what you think and feel especially if it is going to boost the confidence of our fellow sisters, I promise she’ll smile. Don’t be shy! No one is going to punch you in the face for a compliment -hopefully- And those ladies who judge, I feel a little sad for you. I hope you can find your own confidence and self-esteem and no longer feel the need to make others feel bad too.

I think we’ve got to stop ourselves sometimes and just ask ourselves what we’re doing.

Good luck ladies, I dare you to give a genuine compliment to someone this week!

(Bella hasn’t had homework for a week so I’m having withdrawals! I had an overwhelming need to assign a task.)

The ball is about to roll!

I picked up Sophie’s school enrolment form yesterday, I should have done it last term. I think I’m trying to stall the inevitable just a little. In just 3 months Sophie will be heading off to school.

I still remember when I first had her back in January 2007, Bella began kindy that year. I kept saying how weird it was that I’d just sent one off to school and that it felt like forever until 2012 which is when Sophie turns 5.

Yet, here it is. Almost 2012 and Sophie’s going to be a big girl.

I’m going to miss her terribly in the beginning, she’s been away from me just 3 nights her entire life! Spent not one minute in a daycare or pre-school. She’s my little pal always good for a chat or a hug and full of entertaining ideas.

What am I going to do without my Sophie?!

I’m going to buy her a uniform dress this week coming as she has some practice days this last term. She is so excited to go, she is a clever little thing and I have no worries that SHE will be totally fine.

She will love it.

Her first day of school is going to leave me in tears I am certain.

The toughest part?!

Sophie heads off to school this year coming, which is going to fly past no doubt and the year after that?

Violet goes too!!!

I’ll be left at home with just 2 little ones for 12 months and then MOLLY goes to school!!!

I’m just never going to send Buddy!

Now that Sophie is nearly 5 it seems like there is his roll on affect, each of my kids is in a little line with lengths attached to each, the further the first goes the further they ALL go, being pulled along by this stupid thing called time.

Soon, REALLY soon I’m going to have huge amounts of time alone, just me and my thoughts, and that could potentially be a bad thing. or a VERY good thing.

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So I’ll go buy Sophie her very first school dress and hat and take some cute photos of her in it with a smile on my face and a sadness in my heart.

My 2nd baby off to school makes me proud but also marks the fact that they will all grow up.

I just wish those first 5 years would slow down and perhaps time could make up for it by stealing away those teenage years quickly……

Please???

I am afraid!

The moral to my story.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us, we ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually who are you not to be?

You are a child of god, your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine as children do, we were born to make manifest the glory of god that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, its in everyone, and as we let our light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear our presence automatically liberates others.”

Quote by Marriane Williamson.

My sister Nicole read me this quote over the phone a couple of days ago. I feel like it is the moral to all that I try to say.

The moral to MY story.

I am tired of ‘shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure’ around me. I don’t even care if that means I must stand alone to shine as bright as I can.

I don’t want shine for you, for my husband, or even for my children. I want to do it for ME, in my own way.

Whatever that means.

I also want to encourage everyone especially women to stand up for themselves and I hope to inspire and motivate women to be brave and stand up and be counted amongst the great.

Travel your own path, not someone elses, make your own rules, live your way.

We’re capable of so much, if only we put our minds to it.

Come on woman!

SHINE

Dress ups!

My ultimate dream job?

Fashion designer.

I think women are beautiful creatures. And clothes are like an extension of that beauty. I’ve designed clothes since I was 6 and have thousands of sketches hidden away that I just can not bring myself to get rid of. I’ve not designed much in the past few years but I try to put a bit of effort into what I wear. Well look like I do in the least.

I know how easy it is as a mum to chuck on whatever especially when most of our time is at home. I’ve made sure that my ‘whatever’ just happens to look good.

I don’t do trackies and I’ve limited my jeans to just one pair.

So what do I look for when I go clothes shopping?

Cheapness. quality. A touch of unique.

For this post Bella was my photographer (except for a couple Glen took, I’ll let you know which ones.) We had lots of fun while I attempted to get my ‘model’ on.

So here are just some of my clothes!

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Firstly these are some of my ‘going out’ dresses. (They haven’t had much use lately.)

I don’t limit myself as to where I buy my clothes so I don’t miss anything! I once bought a dress from Miller’s (yes, grannies Millers.) for $5, why? Because it wasn’t their typical style for the demographic they target. It was just plain weird when my sister turned up in a dress almost the same which she had paid $80 for in a surf shop. She had never ever thought to even enter Millers.

If you ONLY buy clothes from one place, your seriously cutting out so much beautiful money-saving options. Second hand shops are gold mines for quirky bits and pieces, target and big W get some of their clothes from the same suppliers as some of the pricier places.

Next these are my around the house dresses.

They are cool for our hot weather, and easy to chuck on (easier than trackies AND shirt!!) Plus I have the added bonus of not looking like I just got out of bed if someone happens to knock on my door.

 KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN! Beautiful stuff everywhere!

I don’t know what my style would be classed as, besides random. I like all styles. I like clothes in general. I do like bold colours and complicated patterns. Probably because I too, am bright and complicated?

 I’ve been going through a maxi dress phase for the past couple of years. I wore them while pregnant, before AND after. They are great for us mums as they suit almost any body type, hide unshaven legs and as comfy as wearing a sheet!

 

So what to do when one of your favorite maxi dresses (or any dress really) has lost all its shape and makes YOU look like you have no shape either? This……

 

Plus when you’ve been wearing the same dress for 3 years it is kind of nice to feel like it’s a little ‘new’ and interesting again.

 My most recent clothing phase as been strapless maxi dresses, much easier for me to wear while breast-feeding! (I know!…worlds apart from the ordinary maxi! Really spicing it up!)

So now that it is starting to heat up, I’m thinking I might see a new phase emerging.

Skirts.

(Which is going to mean I’ll need to invest in some tops.)

Maxi skirt!

 and friends….

 And yes. I am the kind of girl who occasionally has melt downs because ‘I have nothing to wear.’ I keep my clothes for SOOOO long it’s not funny. I’ll go through them sometimes and put away things I don’t wear often, 12 months later pull it all out and be surprised at what I will throw back into the circuit.

I never wear make-up, I don’t do anything with my hair (which is probably obvious.) so I try to make sure I have something I feel nice in to wear. It is good to feel like a woman and it is nice to feel pretty.

Even if we are at home.

One day I’ll design and make clothes for beautiful curvaceous women, not coat hangers (stick models, they’re catered for well enough) Until then ladies and mummies go check out your 2 hand shop, garage sale, big W, whatever!

Have fun and play dress ups!

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I know it is easier to slum it as a mum occasionally, but we’re SO important too. First thing I do in the morning is ‘chuck something on’ I have no option BUT to wear a cute dress because I simply don’t own anything else.

Whats your favorite ‘chuck on’ clothes?

My fave child?

Back in the day when it was just Bella and I getting around on our lonesome, she was totally my favorite child. I loved her to death, and would do everything she asked. I spoiled her rotten -and I’m not afraid to admit that- she was my very best little friend.

I always told myself that I COULDN’T have more children because I loved her so much and didn’t want her to ever have to share all that love. I didn’t know if I could love another child as much as I loved and cherished her. I felt like if I had more kids it would affect her in negative ways, and that I wouldn’t like them!

Then she turned five and for some reason my cluckyness kicked in big time. I HAD to have a baby it was the only thing I could think about. So Sophie was planned and next thing I know I have a new beautiful daughter.

I loved that Bella had started her first year of school just a month after Sophie was born. Perfect; Sophie was my favorite during the day and I over compensated and made Bella my favorite when she came home.

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I watched 7pm project tonight and saw that they’d asked the hard question.

Do parents have a favorite child?

Turns out a dads favorite child is most likely his youngest daughter. A mum is more likely to favour her eldest son. And a middle child is least likely to be anyones favorite.

In a poll asking do you have a favorite child? The results are as follows (don’t quote me on exact percentages as I was taking notes as they spoke)

50% said ‘no’ they didn’t have a favorite child (Liars)

17% said yes (Don’t feel bad)

33% said ‘no’ but meant ‘yes’ (Thats more like it)

(Do those percentages equal 100?)

Any who; So I thought about the question and tried to be honest and answer it myself.

Immediately I thought of Buddy (which adds weight to the fact about mothers favouring their eldest son. How about only son?) but I also think I have a soft spot for him because he is my youngest, my only boy AND I came so close to loosing him (see please immunise your babies.) He also LOVES me and looks at me with such adoration and just loves mummy cuddles.

I then thought of Sophie, I have a soft spot for her too as I had desperately wanted another baby and I had so much free quality time with her when she was so small, she’s the best cuddler and has such a sweet nature. But then again she can get a mean streak and be a bit of a bully which I don’t like at all.

Next came to mind Violet. Yes she’s my favorite because I feel bad that she is literally our middle child, two older and two younger. Smack bang in the middle the poor baby, I don’t like the idea of middle child syndrome and Jan from the brady bunch freaks me out. I plan to make a point of Violet being my favorite so she doesn’t start having weird internal conversations. She gets cranky and grinds her teeth and scrunches up her face and makes fists out of frustration then lets out a high ear piercing squeal. Are all middle children like this? Maybe it’s the noise they make to get attention which causes them to be the least favorite.

Molly and Bella sadly were thought of last. Purely because they pester me non stop. Both can give me a head ache in seconds and both annoy their sisters for no reason at all. Neither listen to me and both go behind my back and get into things. They challenge me and I like that. I wouldn’t learn a thing from ‘easy’ children. They both happen to be adorable and when good they’re brilliant and hard to resist. It is hard to favour a difficult child though.

So favorite, favorite??

Hmm… I like so much about each one and I dislike so much about each one too. I like that they are all my children because regardless of which one is my ‘favorite’ at any given point in time at the end of they day they are all mine.

And all my faves for different reasons.

Its like having a handful of mixed lollies they’re all good but you might want to eat the frogs first.

(Maybe that was a bad comparison, I don’t want to eat my children, but now that I think about it…….Bella would be first; not because I like her least but because Molly is sooo scrawny! Maybe the question should be which child would you eat first? The last one left MUST be the favorite. Molly for sure. She’d be a terrible eat!)

For now my answer is ‘Buddy is my favorite son.’ In a world where we must not say ‘certain’ things, yet be truthful, that’s the closest I’m going to get. Plus he can’t say ‘no’ hedoesn’t scream and isn’t into my pantry pulling things out!

Yet.

Do you have a favorite child??

And why?!

True colours.

So I’m feeling like I’m at a major turning point in my life. I’m feeling pretty excited about it.

I also feel a little nervous about it.

Nervous why? Because sometimes people don’t like it when someone else is doing more or better than they are.

I’m not saying I’m doing anymore or any better than anyone else but in the eyes of others it sometimes seems so. I don’t like to talk about things I do or want to do or am doing to avoid awkward vibes.

 I know I’m not the only who feels like this.

Jealousy and a competitive nature can be the root of all evil. It can make or break relationships and people can absolutely hate you for it. It is really sad that as humans we were given the powerful emotion that is envy. Think of how much we could get done if we could get past being envious and actually support and genuinely be happy for each other?

Some people do have this quality.

They are genuinely happy and supportive of other people’s successes. I am lucky to have some of these people in my life. In unexpected places too which is all the more comforting.

Though I do also have some of the other kind in my life too.

Just one example, when I began skinny Sundays, in an attempt to lose weight and gain some energy and extend the length and quality of my life I received an out pouring of support and I was very thankful, but as the weeks progressed and I was actually losing weight, the support dwindled away.

Some true colours were shown.

I got support and kind words when I displayed unattractive photos of myself in my underwear but as I started looking better and better the support kind of wasn’t genuine anymore.

One thing about me, if I say I’m going to do something I most likely will.

Sometimes it seems like the worse off someone seems the happier others are.

There is this competitive nature within us that makes us feel the need to rank people from best to worst. From successful to failure. From good to bad. And then to somehow place ourselves in amongst it all and compete to climb that ladder no matter how many people we walk all over to get to the top.

I refuse to play that game.

I jumped off the ladder long ago.

I just don’t want to compete with anyone. I do get annoyed when people try to compete with me however. I don’t want to set anyone elses success as my bench mark to work towards. I don’t want to copy anyone else or do what they do. I like being unique. I like thinking my own thoughts and I like that I have my own brain and can make decisions and create paths and open doors for myself.

I just want to do what I do in peace.

I don’t want to follow anyone and I certainly don’t want to ‘be’ anyone besides myself.

I may think that what some one else is doing is awesome but it doesn’t make me want to run out and do the exact same thing.

I’m an individual, just like you.

My sister has commented before that I am so ‘naturally talented’ I’m good at nearly anything. Besides it not being true it’s also not quite that simple.

It makes me a little annoyed to be honest.

I have worked my butt off.

I still work my butt off.

I work so hard to learn, everything I know, everything I do or have done; I’ve done all on my own.

The effort that goes into doing something sometimes is neglected. I’d be pretty jealous of somone who was ‘naturally’ talented at something I really wanted to do too.

If I do something I want to do it well.

I WANT to succeed at what I do.

I am not ‘naturally’ successful.

Never have I woken up one morning to discover I magically have a new talent or ability. If I wanted a new talent or ability it took time to gain it, lots and lots of time.

As corny as it sounds I plan to be everything that I can be.

I don’t know what that will mean in the long run, but I have a life time to dapple.

Jumping off that ladder means the path  for me is clear, there is no one to rank myself against, I can do anything I want. I have the freedom to go as high as I choose to.

It also gives me the ability to be happy and supportive of those who are successful within their own lives when they make independent choices and succeed.

They aren’t my competition, they are my friends. I love and support them and their happiness involves me. If I got jealous of everyone I know who was smarter, prettier, cooler, funnier, better parent, better partner, richer, more successful….

well I’d be one sad soul.

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So I feel like I’m at a major turning point in my life.

Which is exciting and scary.

I know that when I get to points like this true colours are shown. I lose some friends, I gain some friends, and I find out which ones are there no matter what.

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To those who know exactly what I mean, it can be hard facing the true colours of the ones we love most. Stay strong and follow your dreams. Please don’t let one person hold you back or deter you from being and doing what you want. We really can achieve just about anything, it is just a matter of chosing to go for it rather than sit back and ponder on it. Just do it. Support may come from unexpected places and even if you have no support who cares?! Be who you want, do what you want.

You will always gain more respect following your dreams even if you fail, rather than talking about your dreams and never giving it at least a shot.

And to those who’d like to compete…go ahead. You’ll waste your time struggling along behind because I am not one to stop, and eventually I will forget your there, I don’t look back. I have my own plans and I’ll keep on going, I may fall back, trip or stumble along the way but please know that I’ll always get back up and run along with a smile on my face and a freedom in my heart that can only come from being true to oneself. I suggest you move on and follow your own path as mine takes drive, determination and a whole lot of honesty. I wish you success in your own pursuits.

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I support the supportive, love the loving, share with the sharing.

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He’s back. I’m back.

What a rather large week we’ve had.

So Monday was my 27th birthday, which to tell you the truth being smack bang in the middle of my eldest daughters and my youngest daughters birthdays I somehow manage to forget about it.

I do try to remember it purely because I feel awkward when asked how old I am I stutter and stammer and blurt out a number which sometimes I’m not totally confident about.

So for at least this week I know for sure that I am 27.

I got very spoilt. OVERLY spoilt. Glen not being able to keep a secret gave me 3 presents early.

(3! I know, I expected one maybe, but 3! I think perhaps that he may have felt a little guilty when I mentioned it would be nice to be ‘surprised’ rather than ‘asked’ and perhaps my birthday present should just maybe come some time around September and not February and that just possibly it should be separate of my christmas present.)

So the weekend before my birthday he gave me a brand spanking new sewing machine and overlocker -which now I think he regrets, there goes any scrap of free time I had- he also bought me all of Adele’s songs to put on his iPod, he wanted to buy me the cd but there is nowhere to buy cds in our town or within an hour radius of our town!

Then on my actual birthday I got a little sleep in (that would have been plenty) the girls and he then made me pancakes for breakfast. Once I’d eaten all I could they piled me up with presents. My beautiful girls and Buddy picked out an assorted array of crafty bits and pieces. Storage containers (Molly’s idea) Canvas, paints, jewellery making bits, thread and beads. They made cards and wrapped everything themselves. Glen then gave me the 2 presents that had been staring down at me from the top of our wardrobe cupboard stirring lots of curious thoughts. I’d been dying to know what they were but avoided mentioning anything as I knew Glen wouldn’t have needed much prompting to give them to me. And I knew he’d regret not having at least one surprise for the actual day seens as he’d gone to so much effort to be organised this year.

Turns out they were a huge tub of maltesers (I have previously kicked an addiction to these) and also two big blocks of my favorite dark chocolate.

Um, Delicious?!

So I made an allowance in my new healthier diet for my birthday.

I kinda had to extend that for the week.

And oh baby have I taken advantage.

So I was totally and very rottenly spoilt. I have NEVER unwrapped so much in my life. My girls were so proud of themselves when I opened a present from them commenting on the superb wrapping and sticky tapping job and then they absolutely beamed as I declared that I’d never had such a lovely bright white canvas to paint on before or that the many, many, MANY, bead storage containers were exactly what I had needed.

Glen then washed ALL the dishes!!!

Ultimate Dad moment (2 years ago)

THAT would have been plenty.

But sadly we had to drive to Emerald and drop Glen off at the airport so he could travel home to be with his family. Pop had passed away and his funeral was the day after. He HAD to go, it is a sad thing to go through and he HAD to be with his family, for him and for them.

Glen with his dad, his Pop and very new Molly.

So we waved him off and the kids and I drove home.

We spent the rest of the day playing and mucking around wasting time til we went out to pick up dinner. We had our take away and watched a movie together munching away on maltesers.

Bed time came and it was hmmm….hectic? No; that doesn’t quite cover it.

The girls don’t mess with Glen.

Cause he'll eat them. No he won't don't call anyone.

I think by far I am the meaner/tougher/stricter parent, but somehow they listen to him more. (I think I must be all bark. Noisy, annoying and ineffective.) Perhaps because there’s a bit of a my way or the highway type attitude.

Glen says go to your room.

Girls go to their room.

Mum says go to your room.

Girls whine and sook and don’t actually go to their room.

Mum then has to pick them up (Sophie being 26 kgs sometimes is a struggle) take them to their room. Place them on their bed then listen to them whine louder once the door is closed.

Why??

I don’t know.

So the girls had a field day with me.

For two days and two nights.

I handled it -with a massive headache- but I used a lot of threats that involved things like messaging dad. Calling dad. And yes at one point I even photographed a trashed room to show dad when he got back. (I would post the picture if I weren’t completely embarrassed by it!)

So basically I told my kids I was going to dob on them

The very same thing I tell them NOT to do.

The honest truth of it all was that I was pretty jealous that Glen was able to pack up and leave without a second thought. I know I couldn’t do the same. He HAD to go and he had an awfully good reason to go but I wished I could see my family too.

I thought we’d be totally fine.

I thought I was in total control.

In the past I’ve thought about what would happen to us should anything happen to Glen and I totally thought I was the more important parent in our family situation. I seriously thought that if anything happened to Glen we would in the long run, be ok. I’m the primary carer for the kids, I’m the cleaner, the cooker the everything in our household. Money isn’t everything and as long as we had a roof over our heads and food in our belly we’d be fine.

On the other hand I thought even though I am in no way shape or form the financial provider for our family that if anything should happen to me that my kids whole world would fall apart. Everything they knew would be shattered.

It still probably would should anything ever happen to me BUT I realised that Glen’s just as important a parent as I am.

I was so up my self to think I was the only ‘important’ parent.

We balance each other out.

He’s the extra set of arms I should have growing from my ribs. The extra set of eyes that someone neglected to place into the back of my head.

He’s the only one I can dob on my own kids to!

Baby Molly

He’s the extra hug when someone bites their tongue during dinner, the extra player for piggy in the middle, the extra height when one of the kids wants to touch the roof -goodness knows why- the extra muscle cause mum can’t throw kids high enough, the extra hugs they’d miss out on before bed should he not be here.

Most of all -among many other things- he’s the extra team player I do actually need.

Sometimes I think I can do it all on my own. And as hard as it is for me to admit, sometimes I need to shut up and realise I do sometimes need help.

I’m just lucky he’s willing.

 Commando I call him sometimes. His way or the highway.

It works, and my kids respect him.

They need him. And yes, I admit it, I need him too.

They missed him. I missed him.

We’re so very glad he’s back.

Good Ole Billy

I don’t want to write too much as I am not sure at all that is my place to say a single thing, but I felt I wanted to write ‘something’ because I cannot pretend it hasn’t happened.

Glen’s Pop, William aka Billy has peacefully passed away.

Only a 102! I think he deserves a break.

It is a sad day for us especially poor Glen, and I cannot imagine how sad the rest of his family is, they’re going to miss him so much. He was such a big part of their lives for such a long time. I am thankful to him because I know where Glen and his dad got their sense of humour from. Billy was a funny guy. I remember at a family bbq he picked up a whole chunk of pate and was going to take a bite out of it. Nan, with Molly in her arms tried to fight him to get it back screeching at him to put it down. I felt rude as I tried to hide a giggle and a smirk.

Give the man his pate!

Only the young and weak use biccies to eat pate!

Then later at that same bbq Glen and his dad tried sneaking his ice cream away from him. Such bullies! He protected it though and hung onto his beloved ice cream.

Those are some of my little memories, imagine the stories to be told by his closest family. Fill a book or 10 I’m sure!

He was a sweet man, tears would come to his eyes every time he saw the kids, and he’d say how beautiful and precious they were. He always forgot who I was but would give me a hug and kiss anyway.

So I just want to say to you Billy, thanks for the hard yards you put in over all those many years, thanks for the beautiful family you’ve helped turn out and I’m sorry I never had a chance to get to know you better than I did.

Your going to be missed so much by all your loved ones, I only hope that I get to hang around as long as you did! You’re a lucky man to have seen birthdays, weddings, new grand babies, even great grand babies. Enjoy your time out, and we’ll see you again soon!

We’ll meet you by the shed!

The Original Yager Babies.

Matto, Cristie, Nicole. Aka nick, matt, patty whack as our parents would call us.

This is my family. We are the original Yager Babies. And I am so proud to say they are my family, blood related and there for each other always.

Matt is such a mature young man I am so very proud of my little brother. He’s one of the hardest workers I know, he is very smart, responsible and simple has his head screwed on. He’s awesome with his little nieces and new nephew he’ll make the best dad someday. He has the utmost respect for woman and should he not have, I would have made sure to correct that!  I remember the night my mum went into labour with him, the night before Mother’s day in 1992. I was 8 years old, mum left and came back a day or so later saying He’d been born Mother’s day such a sweet little present! I remember lots and lots of people coming to see him but I don’t think I saw him up close for a few weeks at least. He was such a cute little pain, little freckles and mum’s famous bowl hair cut. He was prone to broken bones. A few broken arms (I am aware that he only has two but I mean he had a broken arm on 3 occasions, not 3 broken arms at once, but you knew that!) even a broken leg when he was still in nappies. My friend and I would run screaming from him and he’d come clumping after us with his foot to thigh cast on. Clunk, clunk, clunk. His arm cast he’d use to clobber Nicole and myself over the head with, if we cried and told him we would tell mum, he’d hug us and tell us he loved us so much, how could we resist? He was adorable! He wanted to marry one of my friend’s in particular, he’d bring her chocolate, lollies and cool toys and neglect me totally. But the moment she’d leave he’d be my little friend again.

Nicole, well she’s my closest friend. She’s a doll. You’ll never find anyone as genuine or caring, kind and giving as Nic, even if she is off with the fairys most of the time. I can tell her anything and she’ll always listen. She is the greatest little mum to her own Yager Baby too. I don’t remember much from mum being pregnant with her as I was only 19 months! I do have a memory of mum walking back and forth in my grandmother’s house slightly distressed and largely pregnant, but I don’t know if that’s some made up memory as it is really vague. We were great pals when we wanted to be, and the best of enemies if we didn’t. She’d take my stuff and I’d get in trouble for going after her, she’d quietly poke me over and over or say things behind mum and dads back and the moment I opened my mouth -loudly- to retaliate; I was in trouble. She was a sneaky little thing and she was such a cutie too which I find helps when attempting to get away with things! I’m sure I was mean to her too, I just don’t remember it as clearly as her being mean to me! Like Matt, Nicole was accident prone. I remember one particularly disturbing time. We were playing together on our big see saw, we’d put car tyres under each end, so when it hit the ground it bounced us way back up into the sky. We were laughing our heads off like maniacs until Nicole hit the tyre and wasn’t holding on properly she rebounded and face planted into the board in front of her. I had a slight shot of panic course through my belly until I thought she was laughing again. I figured she was ok and began laughing again until mum came running out, grabbed Nicole and screamed at me for laughing!

She had blood pouring from her mouth, she’d put her teeth through her bottom lip and needed to go to hospital and have it glued back together.

Sorry for laughing at your misfortune Nicole. I’m not sure if I ever said sorry for that!

I cannot express to you how grateful I am to have them both in my life. I would do anything for them and travel the world over if ever they needed me.

And I am confident they would do the same for me.

Such beautiful people. Together we have been through a lot and together we have supported each other and together we can conquer any tough times, celebrate good times and laugh about the rest.

Together we are great.

No one will ever get me like they do.

There is such a great distance between us at the moment and I feel the magnets pulling me, willing me home so I can look after them and feed them. It’s what I love to do most, listen to them tell me about anything and everything, I love to cook big family dinners that bring us all together to laugh and be free.

We can totally be ourselves in our little circle. It doesn’t matter what we say, if its stupid we’ll pause, let it sink in and then laugh. If it’s sad, well pause let it sink in and then comfort each other.

They know who I am and I know who they are, I don’t care what they do or say they’ll always mean the world to me.

I adore and miss them both desperately. We could spend forever in each others company and never get bored. We are all we need to be whole.

It’s a peaceful and comforting to know.

I love you Matto and I miss you heaps, look after yourself as well as I would!

crazy eyes!

I miss you tonnes Nic, I love you and Lil’s, don’t second guess yourself. Your so much braver than you think you are.

You both make me proud!

The original Yager Babies.

Always and Forever.

xoxox